STRANGER THAN FICTION: THE TRUTH ABOUT FOREIGN FILM

A friend of mine says he's seen "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" twice and would go again, given the opportunity.

I think he's lying.

Just in case you're one of those brave folks who don't follow foreign film and make no apologies for it, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is the hottest thing out of China since kung pao chicken. It's a movie staring Chow Yun-Fat, or, as you ladies may know him, the hottie in "Anna and the King."

Frankly, I wasn't inclined to see "Crouching Tiger." I believe foreign films are like jazz -- few people really understand or appreciate jazz, but everybody feels compelled to say they love it so they don't look like uncultured boobs.

But then my boss told me how great the movie was. The cinematography. The drama. The storyline. Then my boss' boss told me how great the movie was.

And suddenly, going to see "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" seemed like the right thing to do.

I convinced The Other Half to accompany me by telling him Godzilla had a cameo appearance as the "hidden dragon." Most of the movies he sees feature (a) monsters, (b) scantily clad starlets, or (c) monsters attacking scantily clad starlets.

The outing cost me an insane $25. TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! That's two tickets, two sodas, a medium popcorn and a soft pretzel. For that kind of money, the theater should have provided someone to read the subtitles for me.

Basically, the movie was about a butt-kicking man and woman who can't get together because of their careers as warriors, a princess who is demure by day but whips some tail by night and a singing sword that keeps getting stolen. The warriors in the film were trained by the Wudan (literally, "Wu-Tang Clan").

The Wudan apparently don't have to walk from place to place like the rest of us. They fly during various parts of the movie, flitting from rooftop to rooftop across town with ease. In fact, a line of dialogue from the film is: "Are you tired of flying?"

Heck, no! Who would get tired of flying? Think of how convenient that would be for those trips to McDonald's, especially with Broadway in such disarray! "Hey, kids, I'm flying to McDonald's. Want anything?"

But even with the flying, the simplicity of the movie bored me. By the end of the first hour, I was trying to decide whether I'd seen enough to discuss it intelligently with my boss.

Mr. Half leaned over. "I'm thinking about going next door to see the rest of Dude, Where's My Car.' You in?" he whispered.

I'd like to say that I told him to stay seated, that he was an uncultured boob for not wanting to see this cinematic masterpiece, that I was enjoying the film so he could just sit tight until it was over.

"Nah," I said. "Let's just go home and catch the 'Law & Order' rerun."

But hey, it's not like I don't appreciate foreign film.

I've seen both "Spice World" AND "Godzilla vs. Mothra."