STRANGER THAN FICTION: THE BRUSH WITH FAME THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN

At least I was "dissed" by a Supreme Court justice!

After listening to two speeches by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Tuesday, I've come to a profound decision: He should have bought those contact lenses a long time ago.

Remember the confirmation hearings -- those big plastic-framed glasses reflecting the television lights? They're gone. Of course, I've got big, plastic, out-of-style glasses too, but I work for a newspaper, not the federal court system.

Even though my political ideology is a bit different from Thomas', I was excited to see him. Just think, a brush with a sitting Supreme Court justice!

And think of the stories to tell my friends! I'd shake his hand, asking enlightened, creative questions. "Are you a law professor?" Thomas would ask. "No," I'd reply humbly. "Just a reporter for the Southeast Missourian." "I can't believe it," he'd say. "Let me pay for your law degree so you can clerk for me. We'll make beautiful opinions together."

If that didn't happen, there were the "Justice Silver" jokes to fall back on.

There was no brush with fame. After Thomas' Q-and-A session with students, I hung around outside Crisp Hall Auditorium like some sort of Supreme Court groupie. Just as he was headed my way, an associate circuit judge, who Thomas actually CLAPPED ON THE SHOULDER, cut me off at the pass.

I didn't even get a smile before everyone climbed into the motorcade and zoomed off.

Maybe it was because I worked for a newspaper. The justice had two newspaper slams Tuesday afternoon.

Slam No. 1: "I was reading a newspaper article one day, back when I still bothered to read newspapers... ."

Slam No. 2: "I read a few newspapers, mostly for sports and a few editorials. It's about a five-minute read."

Ouch. Nothing about television. Nothing about radio. Of course, Thomas and Rush Limbaugh are good friends, so I understand the whole radio thing. But no TELEVISION insults? Who does he think broadcast his confirmation hearings? How does he think the name "Clarence Thomas" became permanently intertwined with "interesting hairs on soda cans"?

Speaking of the whole hair thing, Anita Hill was here in January 1995 and refused to talk about Clarence Thomas. Thomas was here Tuesday and nobody even BOTHERED to ask about Hill. Yet under the "Clarence Thomas" entry in the 1992 World Book Encyclopedia, it actually mentions Hill's name and says she charged him with sexual harassment.

But after listening to Thomas, I'm even more convinced that he did NOT go walking around the office talking about nasty movies. He's just not that kind of guy. Sure, he probably made a couple questionable remarks, but there's no way he harassed Anita Hill to the point of distraction.

So with the conservative upswing in our country, why don't they just tell the truth? I'm sure it's somewhere between what he says and what she says. He could start his next speech with something like, "I know what everyone's thinking, so let's just get this out of the way right now. I called her `honey buns' ONCE in our years of working together. Now onto business... ."

Trust me, I know about sexual harassment. In my teen years, I worked for a man who offered me a $600 bonus (wink, wink -- I was thinner then) and progressed to "mooning" me twice in front of my coworkers.

I'm dying for him to be nominated to the Supreme Court. Just think of the lecture fees!

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.