STRANGER THAN FICTION: TAKING SIDES ON THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES FACING CAPE

The harshest criticism of my career -- not counting Speak Out -- was delivered by a tipsy man at a local bar several weeks ago.

I'm not sure whether he got drunk so he'd have the nerve to get in my face or whether he was going to get into somebody's face that night, and mine just happened to get in the way.

But his point, delivered in slurred speech with a side order of beer breath, was absolutely correct.

I'm not opinionated enough in print.

"Who CARESH about The Other Man or whatever," the man said. "I shertainly don't! My question ish, what doesh HEIDI think? You have opinionsh, don't you?"

Maybe my problem is that years in journalism have stripped me of the ability to take sides in print. I can see all angles of an argument with absolute clarity, even if I don't pick one.

But today, I'll make an attempt. No writing about The Other Half, even though I really have an interesting development to report. (Since his hair was dyed blond, his intellect has dropped dramatically, but he's having more fun.)

No writing about my weight, even though I have a good story about it. (A 5-year-old asked me why my butt is so big. Out of the mouths of babes ...)

And no writing about my dilemma on child bearing, even though the decision-making process recently was affected by a negative encounter with a 5-year-old. (See above.)

Here are my opinions on the hard-core issues recently debated in Speak Out.

* The roundabout. I like the Cape Girardeau roundabout. It's in my neighborhood, and it makes my trips to the Westfield Shoppingtown much easier. That's important, because I am addicted to the "free" gifts -- with purchase of $17.50 or more -- offered at my favorite makeup counter. I will actually use a Q-tip to harvest foundation from an old bottle so I can delay purchasing a new one until the next "free" gift offer.

Yes, the roundabout's entry points seem a little close together, but we can handle it. We just need a positive experience to be associated with the roundabout. I'm recommending the Roundabout 5K Fun Walk and Run. Maybe we'll be a little dizzy by the end of it, but it will bring us closer together as a community.

* Job safety. Recently, a debate has raged over whether police officers or farmers have the most dangerous jobs. I have to say they're both pretty dangerous. Police have to deal with armed criminals, but farmers have to deal with chicken-eating pigs. (I'm not kidding. I've seen a chicken-eating pig in action.)

But, as the great-grandchild, daughter-in-law and stepgrandchild of farmers, I'd have to say farming requires more bravery than any other job in this country. Or maybe insanity. Who else would try to farm in today's economy?

* Rudeness. People in Cape Girardeau and the surrounding area are not rude. To the contrary, they are the most amazingly friendly people in the country.

I was walking from the grocery store to my car the other day when another car whipped in front of me to grab a parking space. The driver got out and apologized. In the same situation in South Florida, the driver would have given me the finger.

There are a few notable exceptions, but those folks wouldn't be notable if they weren't here in Southeast Missouri.

* Noise ordinance. I think our noise problems would be solved if we videotaped offenders and then forced them to watch the tapes. Driving along with one arm hanging out the window of a souped-up subcompact, bass turned up so high the speakers are buzzing, mouthing the words to "Back that Thang Up" or "American Bad*ss" probably wouldn't seem so cool if they could see themselves.

The other solution would be shutting offenders in a small room and playing a Wayne Newton CD at full blast. That would teach them.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.