STRANGER THAN FICTION: SOMEONE SHOULD INVENT ADULT TRAVEL GAMES

A five-hour drive can be mighty long with nothing but a Mademoiselle magazine for entertainment.

There's something about testosterone that make men want to cruise.

The Other Half is no exception. He'll gas up his little Mitsubishi and drive that thing until the break of dawn, with nowhere to go but back home when he's done. He convinced me to cruise from Cape Girardeau to St. Louis one night on a whim, using Dunkin' Donuts as incentive.

The conniving twerp. He knows I can't resist the lure of powdered sugar.

Since fellow Southeast Missourian newspaper alum Laura Johnston moved to Jacksonville, Fla., a 5 1/2-hour drive from Pensacola, she's tried to convince us to visit. She knows full well that I reserve that kind of trip for my once yearly pilgrimage back to the Bel Air Grill, but she insisted we come.

It was a tough sell -- we've got Dunkin' Donuts here in Pensacola -- but Mr. Half and I finally loaded up the little red car and made the trip. I'd forgotten just how long five hours can be cooped up in a confined space with no entertainment but the radio and your man.

Sure, kids have those nifty travel games. The little Connect Four with the pieces that get lost between seat cushions. Those hand-heldelectronic games with the irritatingly loud noises.

With all the time Mr. Half and I had on our hands, we had no choice but to develop our own games. There's no sort of patent on these, so feel free to use them in your own travels.

RADIO COMMANDO

This game is best played by two people with opposite tastes in music. It begins with the driver turning on the radio and tuning it to the Top 40 station she most enjoys. When an Alanis Morissette comes on, the driver bobs her head as though she enjoys the music. This is the passenger's cue to change the station to a song he enjoys, usually something with the word "homies" in it.

The ever-tolerant driver enjoys the occasional rap song and prepares to listen, but the passenger then declares himself Radio Commando and starts changing stations every 2.7 milliseconds until someone gets smacked.

QUIZ SHOW

You'll need a women's magazine with some sort of relationship quiz in it for this game. The passenger begins by reading the quiz introduction, which usually contains something with which she can identify. The driver asks what she's reading. This is her cue to involve him in the quiz, asking questions like, "When does your man like to get romantic? A) Every day. B) Every week. C) Every lunar eclipse."

The reader completes the quiz, realizes her man doesn't measure up too well and spends the next few hours reminding him of the time he gave her flannel pajamas for their wedding anniversary, the time he left the bathroom a mess, etc. The game ends when someone gets left on the side of the road.

SNACK BINGO

Stop every few miles and purchase sodas, chips, crackers, candy and any other food item you think will add enjoyment to this never ending journey. Write down the first letter of each snack food -- "B" for bugles, "F" for Fig Newtons, etc.

The first person to spell out the name of the city and state where you're heading wins. There's a bonus for spelling out the names of all 50 state capitals.

NAME THAT MECHANICAL PROBLEM

This is best played with a paranoid driver in an older car.

The driver motors along in a normal fashion, enjoying the radio and light conversation with passengers. Just when everyone seems relaxed, he quickly turns off the radio and says, "Hey! Did you hear that rattle? Listen!"

The passengers fall silent and strain to hear the noise. Hearing nothing, they insist the radio be turned back on. This is repeated four or five times until Mr. Paranoid pulls over, messes with the car and REALLY causes a problem.

Waiting for the tow truck, repeat above games as necessary.

Heidi Nieland Hall isa former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who currently resides in Pensacola, Fla.