STRANGER THAN FICTION: SNORING, EARPLUGS ARE TEST OF FIVE-YEAR MARRIAGE

It's irritating. It's not ladylike. It's nothing any woman wants to admit.

But apparently, I snore. Big time.

Of course, I don't have any direct evidence of the problem. I think maybe I woke myself up with my own snoring once while sunning at a swimming pool in Fort Lauderdale, but maybe it was people laughing at my two-piece bathing suit.

The Other Half tells me about the snoring. And he's even taken to wearing earplugs at night.

He isn't the only person with anecdotal evidence. I roomed with a woman in Tallahassee last spring while covering the Florida Legislature. She actually adjourned to the couch rather than sleep in the twin bed next to mine.

After the third night, I finally figured it out.

"I snore, right?" I said.

She nodded solemnly.

Feeling guilty, I took over the couch and let her have the bedroom. Of course, my roommate turned on the news at 6 a.m. daily while doing her 100 stomach crunches, so what's more irritating, really?

I bought some earplugs and a Lone Ranger-type sleeping mask -- no eye slits, of course -- to get some relief from her morning ritual, done in the living room RIGHT NEXT to the couch where I was sleeping.

It didn't work. I took my supplies home after the three-week stint, and The Other Half commandeered the earplugs. I'm saving the mask for my next costume party.

The weird thing is, obviously The Other Half didn't even think about getting earplugs until I came home with a pair. But suddenly, after a five-year, earplug-free marriage, he had to have them to endure an evening at my side.

And then came his earplug experiments. He buys one type one month, one type the next, trying to decide which best blocks the hideous sounds emitting from the disgusting heap of wife lying next to him. Is it the firm, orange-colored ones like factory workers use? Is it the freaky, flesh-toned ones that expand in the ear canal? Or is it the suppository-shaped green ones he's using now?

The most maddening part is when he puts them in before I even climb into bed. Like when I'm still removing my makeup and trying to have a conversation with him.

A few nights ago, I was pouring my heart out about some offense by a friend. "So can you believe what Susan did today? I mean, the NERVE!"

The Other Half lay there silently.

"Can you hear me?" I asked.

"What?" he said.

Then I saw that little spot of green sticking out of his ear. I've asked him to please not put in the earplugs until I'm actually in the bed, but there's been no compliance with my request so far.

I'm beginning to think he doesn't like to hear nightly details about my life.

Here's the most amazing feature of this whole earplug thing: The Other Half snores. Like a freight train. Like a buzz saw. Like all those other unflattering comparisons related to snoring.

Shouldn't that noise wake him up? Even though he's wearing earplugs, wouldn't the internal noise in his sinuses register in his eardrums?

And why doesn't his snoring wake me up? I always think of it as kind of comforting, a manly thing to do.

There's only one solution. Tonight, I'm going to secretly remove his earplugs as he sleeps and see what happens.

Either that or make him move into the guest room.