STRANGER THAN FICTION: SEASON IS TOUGH

It's here, and there's nothing you can do to stop it: The Christmas Shopping Season.

Not to be the proverbial Grinch, but I have some major problems with this time of year. Not the kind of problems that deep people, those in touch with their feelings, have.

Those people might say, "I hate to see Christmas so commercialized. When stores put the decorations up right after Halloween, it just takes away from the true meaning of the season."

As a shallow person, my gripes about this time of year are a lot less religiously oriented and more personal-comfort oriented.

I had to go to a major discount department store Friday morning to do a story about Christmas shopping trends. You know, the yearly story you see a couple days after Thanksgiving because reporters are going out of their minds looking for real news.

The fact that shoppers have to use crowbars to get into stores the day after Thanksgiving comes as no surprise to the readers, I'm sure.

But there I was, blocking people who were trying to get their overstuffed carts out the door. I quickly surveyed the items in their baskets before attempting to stop them.

"Hello! I'm not some decrepit jerk trying to see what you bought for Christmas!" I'd shout encouragingly. "I'm actually Heidi Nieland, and I'm doing a story about...OUCH!"

The last part was where the potential interview ran over my foot trying to get to his or her vehicle.

I limped out to my car, which was parked in Perry County due to all the traffic. Thank heavens I didn't have to purchase anything, because I would still be in line right now and this space would be white.

It was so loud that I didn't note any festive Christmas music, but if it wasn't there Friday, it will be soon. By the end of the season, I'll be standing in the shower, totally unaware of what I'm doing, and singing "Feliz Navidad."

The problem is that I don't speak a word of Spanish ~past "What is the especial today?" So when I try to sing "Feliz Navidad," it goes a little something like this:

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

Da da-da, da-da, da-da da-da.

I wouldn't even know that much if it weren't for Muzak.

The Roommate and I discussed Christmas decorations for our apartment. Roommate doesn't own any decorations at all. I own a wreath, donated by my would-be mother-in-law, and four ornaments.

We opted for the wreath on the door and no tree.

My last roommate in Sikeston was much more festive. It was her first apartment after college, and she was ready to go for the genuine tree, colorful lights, pine-cone decorations, the whole bit.

The tree was pretty fun while it lasted. When my roommate was gone, Ex-Mr. Dreams and I enjoyed the gentle shadows cast by those colorful lights and discussed -- uh -- the true meaning of Christmas.

All of those happy times were forgotten about five days after New Year's, when the tree was STILL THERE. I talked my roommate into letting me take it down to the local tree-gathering point to be used as fish housing in Lake Wappapello.

I never knew such pain as I experienced when single-handedly dragging that tree out of the apartment and loading it into a pick-up truck. It was equaled only by the pain of vacuuming up pine needles as late as August. No joke.

One of my dearest friends will probably shed tears when she reads this. Penny is the Christmas Queen of America and lives for this time of year. The day after Thanksgiving, she records a message on her answering machine that goes something like, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Santa's little elf isn't in right now..."

She usually doesn't like what I say to her machine.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff sriter for the Southeast Missourian.