STRANGER THAN FICTION: ROOMMATES RANGE FROM UNPLEASANT TO DISASTROUS

Marriage is sort of a perpetual roommate situation, only not as difficult.

In marriage, you don't have to close the bathroom door. You fall into a certain division of duties, and you don't have to worry about angering the other party with the occasional, "Phew! Smells like it's about time to change that cat litter, Hon!" And there's not that tense where's-your-half-of-the-phone-bill conversation every month.

So, after five years of marriage, you see why I'm not relishing the roommate situation I'm entering for three weeks.

Every so often, the company I work for sends a few employees to Tallahassee to take care of business up there. The company rents an apartment, which has two bedrooms and two bathrooms separated by a living area. Boys on one side, girls on the other, locked doors in between.

It's like a co-ed college dorm, only without the atmosphere of intellect and learning.

This week will be the first time I've personally visited the dorm.

My two roommates and I have never so much as broke bread with each other before, but here's what I know of them.

"Janet" is a chain-smoking native of Queens, N.Y. I've only seen her on two occasions. Both times, she was belting out a string of profanity the likes of which I've never heard come out of a female. She is 30-something and roughly the height and weight of a Keebler elf, which makes the whole profanity thing even more unexpected.

I'll be sharing a bedroom with Janet. I called her to try and get to know her a little better before our three-week odyssey.

"Apparently, I snore like a chain saw, but I'm bringing along an economy pack of Breathe-Right Strips," I said.

She didn't laugh.

"I'm kidding about the snoring," I said.

She still didn't laugh.

I wish I'd told her that I don't snore, but I do grind my teeth and pass gas several times a night.

"Jack" and I both are in lifelong commitments to men named James.

No, I'm not kidding. That's all I know about him.

My boss says we'll be working so much, we'll barely see each other.

Just in case, I've mapped out an evening schedule of shopping, sightseeing and exercising that'll keep me out of the apartment.

It's not that I've never had roommates before. I've had some doozies.

The first two were sisters who ganged up against me. They would wash no dish before its time -- or at least before some indescribably horrible mold began to grow on it. They also left a variety of undergarments and outer garments lying around the living room, causing me to believe they walked through the door and immediately stripped before they did anything else.

When I took a two-month trip to work in Chicago, I steadily sent home my share of the rent. Little did I know they pocketed the money and moved out. I found a dust-covered note when I returned.

The second roommate was a beautiful young woman with an exceptionally large bosom. I couldn't handle the pressure of living in her shadow (literally, with those things!) and was relieved when she moved out.

The third roommate actually decorated our shared home with cut-out pictures commonly used on grade-school bulletin boards. I think my favorite was either the cornucopia or the Easter lilies. I burned the ones she left behind.

And my fourth roommate -- brace yourself, Mom -- was a guy. I was a little surprised when he answered my ad, but I was a woman of the '90s and figured it would be kind of cool, maybe even some preparatory work for marriage. Luckily, my husband didn't have a lunatic ex-wife, two bratty kids with weekend visitation and a string of skank girlfriends who paraded through on a regular basis.

The basic theme here is, even though I needed roommates for financial reasons, the experience of sharing my home with them ranged from unpleasant to disastrous.

So you can imagine my fear at heading up there this week, away from the comforts of life with The Other Half and my two kitties.

At least I don't have to change the cat litter.

Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missourian staff writer now living in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Contact her at newsduo@herald.infi.net.