STRANGER THAN FICTION: OLD CARTOONS IN DESPERATE NEED OF NEW LOOK

Oh, for Beetle Bailey to end up in Bosnia instead of in another round of unsuccessful fist fighting with Sarge.

Who doesn't love the comics page? It's a nice way to back into the newspaper. You read a few comics, laugh at Cathy's annual lack of success at buying an attractive bathing suit and then plunge into the news you have to care about.

That category includes Hurricane Bonnie, Monicagate and the Saudi-born terrorist financier whose name won't appear here because I'm too lazy to go look that baby up. But let's face it. There are a few comics in desperate need of a face lift.

Admittedly, it's amazing these artists can come up with new pictures and new words every day for decades. Considering that I write about my husband's entertaining antics nearly every week, maybe I'm not the best person to be writing about this.

Oh well. So here's a brief synopsis of what some notable comic strip artists could do to bring their work into the 1990s.

PEANUTS

The typical plot: Charlie Brown has some sort of baseball-related disaster, leading to good-natured ribbing from Peppermint Patty.

Recommended change: If Patty hasn't grown out of her tomboy stage by now, she could easily be converted into a lesbian character. Imagine all the "Roseanne"-type hijinks when ol' Charlie realizes that Patty's crush isn't on him, it's on The Little Red-Headed Girl. And the reader could follow Patty through several hilarious cases of housing, child custody and job discrimination.

BLONDIE

The typical plot: Dagwood gets out of bed late at night to make himself an impossibly thick cold-cut sandwich.

Recommended change: With all the focus on keeping hot foods hot and cold foods cold, the comic could be used as a vehicle to teach people the dangers of E-coli. And instead of being run over by a procrastinating, work-bound Dagwood for the thousandth time, the mailman finally could "go postal."

FAMILY CIRCUS

The typical plot: Dolly mispronounces something or the children talk about a deceased relative who can be seen by the reader floating over the children's heads.

Recommended change: Dolly finally is referred into a speech therapy class at school, where there are a whole slew of kids the reader can laugh at due to their wacky mispronunciations. And after becoming burned out on a variety of drugs picked up during his round-about trips to do errands for his mom, Billy is able to see Grandpa suspended overhead.

BEETLE BAILEY

The typical plot: Instead of working, Beetle goofs off. Sarge finds him and kicks the living daylights out of him.

Recommended change: Beetle and Sarge finally get sent overseas, where Sarge is able to finish off the lazy jerk and blame it on Muslim-Serb crossfire. Also, the General and Miss Buxley begin a torrid Monica-and-Bill-like romance.

CATHY

The typical plot: Cathy remains unable to land a job that makes her happy, find a decent bathing suit or go on a relaxing vacation.

Recommended change: After meeting a JFK Jr. look-alike, Cathy loses 30 pounds, gets married and goes on the perfect honeymoon in Jamaica. She comes home to acquire a multi-million dollar bathing suit company and finds her nosy mother has moved to Boca Raton.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.