STRANGER THAN FICTION: NOBODY EVER WILL MAKE IT LIKE MOM USED TO

Husbands have no idea how many simple phrases can devastate their wives. "Should you be eating that?" and "Would this happen to be your cleaning day?" are among them.

But The Other Half lately picked up one that is the end-all, be-all of devastating phrases, and it's usually uttered in public. Brace yourselves, ladies:

"Wow, this is good! You ought to get the recipe, Heidi."

Ouch.

The book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," my personal Bible, says men mean exactly what they say. If they say something is good and encourage you to get the recipe, it means they have enjoyed the food in one setting and want to experience it at home.

That's not how a woman hears it. To her, the rough translation is: "You can't cook worth a flip. Your recipes stink. Maybe, just maybe, you could make this one turn out."

The worst is when we're eating at my mother-in-law's house and he tells me to be sure and get the recipe for something before we leave.

After a year of marriage, I've found out that there's no competing with the mother-in-law. If she cooked chicken and dumplins a certain way, no other way will do. Better get the recipe. If she fed the kids pot roast twice a week, you'd better have it on the table every Monday and Thursday.

Unfortunately, my mother and The Other Half's mother are very different people. Mine was in a stiff competition with the Pope for the coveted Person Most Likely To Convert An Entire Nation Award, so all the church work didn't leave much time for gourmet meals. Everything we kids ate originated in a box or a can.

The Other Half's mom put breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table. She baked. She kept a full bin of homemade Rice Krispies treats at all times.

My mother fixed one meal and everyone ate it. If we were 18 years old and still living at home, we were going to sit at that table and eat that liver and onion dinner.

The Other Half's mom made things to order.

Are you seeing a problem here?

When I started cooking for The Other Half, the problem became apparent. After every meal, I noticed a "discard pile" on the edge of the plate, consisting of picked-out tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, peppers and other assorted items. I began to hate that discard pile.

For a time, we tried to compromise. The first idea was to make the dishes to order, ala the older Mrs. Half. That just made me resent having to eat bland food. The second idea was to make my portion my way and his portion his way. That was too much work.

Now I just close my eyes after the meal and everyone's happy.

It's just a fact -- I'll never be a great cook. Sure, I'll be able to keep my man alive, but he'll probably never put on much weight, if you get my drift.

We've come to agree on a few recipes. For the benefit of my fellow new wives, here they are:

-- Low-Fat Nachos. Put a can of fat-free beans, fat-free cheddar cheese and Baked Tostidos near the microwave, along with a can opener and a plate. With a little prodding, your husband will understand what he's supposed to do.

-- Noodle Roni Casserole. Wait for Noodle Roni to go on sale at Wal-Mart. Buy a box, and also buy a small can of cut-up chicken. Cook the Noodle Roni according to package directions. Dump in the chicken near the end of the cooking process. Serve.

-- Low-Fat Beenie Weenies. Heat up a large can of baked beans (this is the "beenie" part). Add sliced up, fat-free hot dogs (this is the "weenie" part). Heat to the desired temperature. Serve with slices of bread.

Ooh, it's so good!

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.