STRANGER THAN FICTION: NO SENSE SPLITTING HAIRS ABOUT TODAY'S STYLES

Hair-wise, anything goes these days.

Cropped short? Wonderful.

Long and curly? Great.

Crystal Gayle look-alike contest? Go for it.

Gone are the days of the "page-boy," the "shag," the "bob" and any number of hairstyles that everyone absolutely had to have or face social isolation. Today's men and women pick their own style and go with it, long, short, or even shaved.

That's good news, because now it's absolutely impossible to have a bad hair day. If it goes completely flat, just tell 'em your going for the waif look. If it stands on end, you're imitating Lyle Lovett.

At age 25, I'm old enough to remember the coming and going of several popular looks.

Let's go all the way back to age 3, when I first discovered Mom's scissors. That would be the "uh-oh-I'm-about-to-be-killed" look. We've all had it at one time or another, when cutting one's own hair seemed like a great idea.

Victims of their own cuts usually end up at a trained professional's salon, but the trained professional doesn't have any choice but to cut all the hair as short as the shortest strand. Ugh.

Remember when everyone wanted "Cher hair," long and perfectly straight, a look sometimes achieved by using the family iron? After every episode of Sonny and Cher's television show, she used to bow and make her hair touch the floor.

At age 7, I nearly fainted from repeatedly flipping my head upside down, trying to make my hair touch the carpet.

Then came the "Dorothy Hamill," named for the figure-skating queen. That cut had a little more life to it, standing out like a mushroom and then flipping under at the ends. My mother and grandmother usually took turns practicing this style on my hair in the backyard. Combined with my big brown glasses and bell-bottomed jeans, this cut made me the hottest 9-year-old on the block.

The bob followed, with nape-length hair all the same length. Boring. 'Nuff said.

But then came MALL BANGS WITH WINGS, a hairspray manufacturer's dream cut. A few people are still wearing this, and to them I say, LET IT GO.

It took great skill with the hairdryer and aerosol can to achieve the mall bangs and wings, blowing the air straight up or back while spraying for all I was worth.

My sister Adria actually developed male-pattern baldness due to that style, because all the alcohol was frying her hair and making it fall out. Fortunately, we made her dry out at the White Rain Clinic for Hairspray Abuse, and now all the hair is back.

After the end of mall bangs, all Hades cut loose. My hair was in a cool, asymmetrical cut for a couple of years, but then something changed and it started growing straight instead of curly. I looked like someone whose wig was all cattywampus or something.

Today I have a great stylist who cut my hair off evenly. I won't name her (Cheryl), because when you see me in public, you'll know she (Cheryl) wouldn't want anyone to know who does my hair. Let's just say styling hasn't ever been a high priority for me.

Not for Lyle, either.

~Heidi Nieland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.