STRANGER THAN FICTION: LAST WEEKEND WAS SO BORING, I ALMOST DEVELOPED BEDSORES

For me, boring weekends typically stem from an empty checking account. If you have money, you can do things to make the weekend UNboring. Like go shopping or dancing or dining.

Otherwise, you have to rely on free or almost-free things to liven things up. You can call your friends, but most of them have money (or lives) and want to go out on weekends instead of talk to you. You also can enjoy the beauty of nature, but it rained practically all of Saturday and Sunday here.

Due to a cataclysmic event our first new-car payment, renters' insurance bill and rent all came due within the same pay period -- The Other Half and I have no money and no promise of money until Friday. This means two things: We'll be eating weird combinations of the food already in our cabinets (like peanut butter and salsa sandwiches) and watching lots of television.

And on the nights Mr. Half works, there's nothing I like to watch more than Lifetime, Television for Women.

It must be television for women, because I'm mesmerized by the Lifetime Original Movies while Mr. Half says, and I quote, "If those movies somehow incorporated sports or professional wrestling, they might be OK, I guess. But how often can you watch Meredith Baxter Birney's life fall apart? Men don't like that stuff."

He's so right. You'd never see a television movie titled "Tom Arnold: A Man Scorned."

The channel's lineup was a little different this weekend. Nancy McKeon, a frequent actress in Lifetime Original Movies, was hawking the Lifetime Movie Network, which runs all Lifetime movies, all the time.

Nancy interviewed some women walking around an Orlando theme park about why they enjoyed Lifetime Original Movies. All the interview subjects basically said the same thing: They like the movies because they address issues that women face.

Uh, WHAT? How many women do you know obsess over their husband's lovers while blackmailing their abusive boyfriends while coping with their children's drug problems? Just look at last week's prime-time lineup and program guide descriptions:

* "Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant." A married woman cannot account for her pregnancy.

* "The Good Doctor: The Paul Fleiss Story." Hollywood madam's dad recalls her arrest.

* "Liar, Liar: Between Father and Daughter." Girl, 11, accuses her father of incest.

* "A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story." Fury fills mother when husband leaves her for lover.

* "Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Last Chapter." Socialite stands trial for killing her ex and his bride.

On Sunday I watched "It Was Him or Us" about a woman who recognizes the signs of domestic abuse in her daughter's life because of personal experience, and "Every Woman's Dream" about a man who juggled two wives by telling one he was a CIA agent and the other he worked for Disney.

If I had a dime for every time I've killed my ex-husband's lover or been married to a bigamist, I'd be a rich woman! Not to mention all the times I've unexpectedly woken up pregnant and been arrested for promoting prostitution! Yes, those movies speak to me.

While many Lifetime movies are based on true stories, they generally paint women as the most feebleminded, weak creatures on the planet. (Except for when they get really mad and start packing heat.) Maybe that's why I'm so fascinated and watch Lifetime every chance I get, much to The Other Half's dismay. Those movies make me feel better about myself.

As far as I know, my husband hasn't been unfaithful. Certainly not with my best friend's daughter.

He's never raised a hand to me, although I almost strangled him when he called off our first wedding. But that's only because I'd already paid for the dress and shoes.

And Mr. Half has never claimed to work for the CIA while juggling a second wife.

I guess this pretty much assures that my life won't be made into a Lifetime Original Movie. Unless they start running ones with titles like "The Heidi Nieland Story: A Broke Journalist Vegetates."

Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missourian staff writer now living in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Contact her at newsduo@herald.infi.net.