STRANGER THAN FICTION: IT'S TOUGH TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TUMMY TUCKER AND BUST ENHANCER

Whether they disguise your thighs or clip your hips, today's bathing suits tell it like it is.

There's been a new development in bathing suit shopping since my last trip to the swimwear department some 10 years ago.

Tags now announce the figure flaws bathing suits were designed to hide.

For example, they might say "bust minimizer" -- I'm sure that one's

REAL popular -- or "hip reducer" or "tummy flattener."

The problem: How do you pick which figure flaw you want to fix?

With me, it's pretty much the whole enchilada. I want a bathing suit made totally from girdles, but with a built-in, push-up bra.

For the past decade -- which I like to call "The Curvaceous Era" --

I've been buying bathing suits from catalogs. That sounds pretty simple until you hear the process.

First, I gather several catalogs from various companies.

Second, I spread them out and look for styles in my size.

Third, I eliminate all choices with attached skirts.

Built-in shorts are one thing. They're a little sporty. But even my 80-year-old grandmother wasn't wearing a skirted suit the last time I saw her in a swimming pool. Of course, her figure is better than mine.

Fourth, I eliminate anything with bold colors.

You know, there's a reason the vast majority of whales are monochromatic. Even Orcas only have a little white on them.

And finally, I pull The Other Half over for a review.

"OK," I say. "This one will probably make my hips look a little

bigger, but it's $20 cheaper than this one. And this one is really cute, but it's in purple, and you KNOW what purple does with my stretch marks."

Mr. Half rolls his eyes, turns back to the World Championship Wrestling Pay-Per-View and moans, "Would you just buy the one you want?"

But I have to hand it to him. When I braved the department store to find the perfect bathing suit this year, he was by my side.

Well, almost.

He was hiding behind a nearby rack of purses, but at least he was there.

The worst moment of the search was when I gathered up six likely candidates for this year's bathing suit and entered the dressing room of a fine department store.

Forced to render opinions, Mr. Half took his position just outside the door.

At the same time, a size 2 entered the other dressing room carrying an armload of bikinis, and her boyfriend took his position next to Mr. Half.

To get an accurate picture of what was going on here, picture Camryn Manheim trying on bathing suits with Calista Flockhart.

I'd come out wearing my scientifically engineered suit and have the following conversation:

Me: "Well, what do you think?"

Mr. Half: "I guess I liked the last one better."

Me: "But this one gives me a little support upstairs and doesn't

bring so much attention to my hips."

Mr. Half: "I don't know ..."

Me: "Let me try another one."

Meanwhile, my dressing room buddy would come out in bikini after bikini and have this conversation:

Bikini girl: "Which one was best, the red, the blue or the pink?"

Boyfriend: "I thought they all looked good."

Bikini girl: "Oh, Bob! You're just the sweetest thing!"

In the end, the sales clerk put in her two cents. "That black one didn't make you look big at all," she told me.

Thanks.

I finally ended up with a top-and-shorts number billed as a "hip hider." I'm not sure, but I think people at the beach last weekend were still able to tell I had hips.

It's definitely back to the catalogs next year.