STRANGER THAN FICTION: IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO BEGIN SLINGING MUD

It seems politicians are getting mean earlier this year.

There was a particularly distressing commercial on television this morning.

It featured clips of our country's president talking about balancing the national budget. In various clips, he says it will be five years until the budget is balanced, then seven, then nine, etc.

Ouch.

I always pictured Bill Clinton as the cool president, the young people's president, the president most likely to play Fleetwood Mac at his major political events. Now this commercial comes along, plus the fact that his friends spend most of their time giving testimony.

Not that I'm blaming him. Say someone ran clips of me discussing my weight. There may be one of me at the license bureau claiming to be 165, which is about 10 pounds below what the height-weight charts say I should be.

Then there'd be one of me talking to my husband about my weight, and I'd tell him it was more like 185. The third clip would be of me talking to my best friend, and I'd say I weighed 200. The final one would be of me stepping on the scale at the fitness center, and the scale collapsing into a heap of metal pieces.

But that wouldn't necessarily make me a liar, just as President Clinton's waffling on a balanced-budget amendment doesn't make him a liar. We're just people not accustomed to committing ourselves to an exact number. We think of our individual problems in terms of general concepts, not absolutes!

This morning's commercial also was disturbing because it means the primary isn't even over and the mudslinging has begun. I haven't seen any mean commercials about Bob Dole yet, but I'm sure they're coming.

In my opinion, the best thing for Dole to do is step back and let his wife run. She smiles warmly, she gestures freely, she hasn't been a politician for the last 50 years, etc.

Things get really dirty toward the November election. How about those commercials featuring unflattering pictures of candidates? They're like the vacation pictures I throw away before showing the rest of the pack to the girls at work.

And there's always a concerned-sounding voice in the background talking about the candidate's horrible record.

CONCERNED VOICE: Joe Schmoe voted for 10 tax increases during his two terms in office -- even voting himself a pay raise. While the rest of Congress was busy passing helpful legislation, he was off raiding small villages, raping the women and stealing the horses. Worst of all, he held up a convenience store clerk and made off with $100 in cash, a 12-pack of Bud Light and a Zagnut candy bar. Is THIS the kind of man you want representing YOU in Congress? Say "no" to Schmoe.

This sort of negative campaigning is the reason I haven't declared my candidacy for Congress this election, even though every Tom, Denise and Harriet in the district has. We've got Democrats running. We've got Republicans running. We've got Natural Law Party people running. We've got people accused of placing their doctors under citizen's arrest running. No, I'm not kidding about that last one.

But if I did run for political office, I'd have a few simple goals.

First, I'd promote a law that allowed people who drove 35 mph in the passing lane to be vaporized by torpedoes, which would be offered as accessories by local car dealerships.

Second, I would either lower the legal drinking age or raise the marriage age. It is completely incomprehensible that the government believes 18-year-olds are mature enough to commit their lives to another person but not mature enough to buy beer.

And finally, I'd pass a labor-related law that says if state offices aren't open, NOBODY works. Why should government employees have all the fun?

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.