STRANGER THAN FICTION: HORROR MOVIES NOT AS SCARY AS EVERYDAY LIFE

In a rare move to get out of the house, The Other Half took me to the movies last Sunday.

I don't know what happened to us. Pre-marriage, we were out every night for dining and dancing, visiting with friends and family, cruising up and down Interstate 55 with the wind in our hair.

Now our average nightly conversation goes something like this:

"I'm bored. Let's do something."

"Okay. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do YOU want to do?"

"I asked you first."

Silence.

"Hey, Beavis and Butthead are on!"

But Mr. Half, bless his heart, scraped together his dollars and took me to see "Species," a movie about a half-human, half-alien woman with an impressive physique she showed off to various people every chance she got.

The problem was she didn't stay human all the time, converting to a lizard-type creature and killing anyone who got in her way of mating and producing more part-alien babies. I would assume, if she were successful, we'd have people discussing heritage 100 years from now like this:

"I looked up my genealogy and found out my great-great-great-grandmother was part lizard."

"No way! I'm one-sixteenth lizard myself."

"You know, you look like you have lizard in you."

"Thanks!"

I wasn't overly impressed with "Species," but it had a few truly scary scenes in it, like when Lizard Woman was audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

Just kidding.

It occurred to me that characters in horror movies don't ever act like normal people would. When a group of four specialists were gathered to hunt down Lizard Woman, they were able to trade zingers despite knowing they were mere miles from a human-devouring creature designed to destroy the planet.

Also, nobody seemed very shocked to learn space aliens provided the DNA pattern for the half-and-half chick, who was homegrown by S.E.T.I. scientists. Everyone took it really well and simply started the search.

I'm not sure what I'd do if my boss called me into her office with a story like that.

"Heidi, get down to the university right away. Apparently one of the professors grew a lizard woman and it escaped. We need a story, and take a photographer with you."

"Species" isn't the only unbelievable horror movie, though.

In one of the "Friday the 13th" movies -- I think it was "Jason Takes Manhattan" or something -- two teen-agers were trapped with Jason in the New York City sewage system. The zombie was killed (again) when deadly chemicals washed over his body as the teen-agers clung to a ladder overhead.

After the little Jason incident, the teen-agers climbed out of a manhole and BOUGHT HOT DOGS! Does anyone else find it a little odd that people could eat after being chased for days through New York by a zombie who killed about 50 of their closest friends?

And in the "Amityville Horror," would you or would you not move from a home after finding your religious symbols turned upside down and burned into the wall? Just forget your investment! How could you possibly market the home to anyone else?

"Here we have a cozy little nook where 10 people were shot. Just look at the view from that bay window!"

How about a REAL horror movie? We had one acted out in our own home after Mr. Half put laundry detergent in the dishwasher and suds began covering our kitchen floor. Ramses, obviously disturbed by the scene, promptly threw up on our new welcome mat. I grabbed a knife, not sure which one to get first.

OK, I'm taking some artistic liberties with the story.

So sue me.

~Heidi Nieland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.