STRANGER THAN FICTION: GLOOM, DESPAIR AND AGONY ON US

My boss, Mr. Sullivan, writes a weekly column, which runs in this space on Fridays.

He often writes about Piedmont, his beloved home town. I lived there for almost two years, and the fact was reflected in my resume. He held it up on my job interview and said: "I see you worked in Piedmont. What made you go there?"

"I was 19 years old and kind of stupid," I replied.

"Piedmont is my home town," he observed.

"It's a beautiful, beautiful place," I said.

He probably didn't buy it, but I got the job any way, at least for now.

While Piedmont holds great memories for Mr. Sullivan, my time there was pretty sad. I got a job working as news director (staff of one) for a 5,000-watt radio station just a year after graduating high school. When I divided my salary by the number of hours worked, it came to considerably less than minimum wage.

That's why I asked for the "poverty stories," because I knew other people have been down on their luck and did weird things to survive.

My sister Jennifer visited me when I lived in Piedmont. A high-school student, she didn't have any money either, so Mom sent $25 with her. I made her spend it on groceries, and she still lost five pounds in the week she was my guest.

But enough about me. Thanks for responding to my whine for help and sending in your own tales of woe. They all seem to revolve around obtaining money for washing machines, food or gasoline, the necessities of life.

Here are the best ones, in alphabetical order by pseudonym.

ALLISON: One day I was in the laundry room of my apartment complex. This old lady pointed to one of the machines and said you just had to push your quarters in until the machine clicked, and then pull them back out. It was true. The next time I went back, five people were lined up for that machine.

My boyfriend says that if you burn a lot of incense, you don't have to wash your clothes at all.

BETTY: As a teen-ager, I had to do laundry for seven with a gas-motor washing machine and then hang the clothes on the line, even in winter. Sometimes my fingers froze to the line. This was the first time I learned to work really fast.

CARL: My roommate and I had one nice piece of furniture, a La-Z-Boy recliner. When we leaned back in it, the change would fall out of our pockets.

We didn't think much about it until we ran out of beer and had to raid the recliner.

DAVID: My car was on empty for a couple of days and I knew my luck would run out sooner or later. I put on my coat and found the receipt for a hole-puncher in the pocket. The hole-puncher was about 3 months old, but I cleaned it up and took it back to the store. I told them the holes weren't the right distance apart and got my money back.

ERNEST: My wife and I had a nice apartment, but we couldn't afford the rent and utility bills, too. Also, it had single-pane windows. Since we couldn't afford any other form of entertainment, we took feathers and had contests to see whose feather would blow the farthest due to the drafts.

And I can tell you 50 different ways to prepare Ramen noodles.

FELICIA: It usually comes down to food or gas. I always put gas in the car and then call my mother-in-law to ask what she's having for dinner, like I'm trying to get an idea.

She always just says, "Come eat with us."

MARY: (She first explained her job as a politician's assistant in Washington, D.C.) Any days I was invited to a corporate reception, I would coordinate my outfits with large purses or big attaches. While I attended these "fruitful" events, I would stuff my purse with fruit, cheese, bread and crackers behind everyone's backs. Not to mention those little single-serving wine bottles. It was nice of them to serve wine "to go."

~Heidi Nieland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.