STRANGER THAN FICTION: COMPETING WITH ALPHA MALE IMPOSSIBLE IN TWO-PET HOUSEHOLD

I feed and water them. He provides body heat. For our kitties, the choice between us is clear.

It's Monday night, and the same scene is going down as every Monday night.

The Other Half is lying on the couch watching the news. Romy is on his stomach. Bosco is at his feet. I'm writing this so that I can afford cat food for those last two, but they have no interest in keeping me company.

It's all about Mr. Half being the undisputed leader of our pack.

It used to bother me that he got all the attention. After all, here's what I do for our 2-year-old feline children:

-- Scoop up their waste. Bosco usually thanks me by going in and immediately sullying the clean litter. Then Romy follows. Lord forbid that they let me enjoy a clean litter box for five lousy minutes.

-- Keep their food bowl filled. Not only have they had Purina brand Kitten or Cat Chow since they came home from the pound -- no Alley Cat for these little darlings -- but they've never seen the bottom of their food dish.

-- Clean their water bowl. Here in Florida (state motto: if it can mold, it will), any water that stands for more than an hour gets cloudy and algae forms on the side of the container. I spend the better part of my day in the war on algae.

-- Play "fetch the catnip mouse" for hours. We may have the only cat in the world who fetches toys and brings them back, and brings them back, and brings them back.

Here's what The Other Half does for them:

-- Lies on his back, providing body heat.

Yet still, the kitties prefer him. It became particularly obvious when I found them on the bed recently. We've got a queen-size mattress covered with a cozy comforter, and yet Romy and Bosco were huddled together on a pair of Mr. Half's jogging shorts tossed on a corner of the bed.

Then I read an article about animal behavior. See, feral cats run in packs. They have a male leader. The leader doesn't cover his waste like the rest of the pack -- he wants everyone to know by the scent that he's in charge. But everyone else has to keep their scent in check.

Thus, the situation in our house. Mr. Half is the Alpha Male.

I know from experience that Mr. Half can produce some of the strongest scents in this home. I've mistakenly happened upon his dirty gym socks. And while I find the words, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you" repulsive, Romy and Bosco take in those scents with worshipful respect.

The bizarre thing is that Romy and Bosco should be afraid of their leader. On three occasions, Romy has followed him into our walk-in closet only to be shut in until my return from work. She entertains herself by clawing out the carpet from around the doorway.

And Mr. Half also is the Wielder of the Squirt Bottle. If the kitties are bad, they get a squirt of water from him. I'm too lazy to get up and get the bottle, opting instead to yell, "Stop it! No! Stop it!" until they either get tired of doing what they're doing or I get tired of yelling about it.

But our dear Alpha Male is leaving on a business trip this week, and that just leaves me and the rest of the pack. It's time for a takeover.

I've got no choice but to stop wearing deodorant and to start leaving my dirty underwear in strategic places. By the time Mr. Half returns, my scent will be running the show here.

And then he can sleep alone while I have a couple kitties to keep me warm.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.