STRANGER THAN FICTION: COMPARISON OF BUYING A NEW CAR, BEING BEATE IN A DARK ALLEY

Next time, instead of buying a new car, I'm going to recommend someone take me into a dark alley, beat me senseless, and leave me for dead.

Because buying a new car feels exactly the same way, except you aren't left owing someone several thousand dollars and trying to decide which is more important groceries or electricity.

My parents made it look so easy, but they were disciplined enough to save cash for their cars. Years ago, when dealerships did most of their own financing, paying cash made a big difference in the price.

Dad would research Consumer Reports magazine, pick out the car he wanted, test drive it and then tell the salesman, "I'll give you $9,000 cash. Take it or leave it." The salesman would mentally calculate his cut, make a half-hearted attempt to seem whipped ("You're bleeding me dry, sir!") and then run off to do the paperwork. The whole process took about an hour, and we drove away in our shiny new family car.

Isn't that new car smell the best? It's really heady stuff certainly the most expensive drug I'll ever do.

It's what forced The Other Half and me to the dealerships last Saturday. And our experience was nothing like dear ol' Dad's.

In 1995, the last time we bought a new car, we made three major mistakes. First, only one certain car was going to satisfy Mr. Half. He refused to consider anything else. Second, we didn't do our research. No Consumer Reports, no Motor Trend, we just dived right in. And third, we didn't shop around. We went straight to the nearest dealer.

We were young and stupid, and we paid for it. And paid. And paid.

So much so that, almost five years later, we could barely get more out of our trade-in than we owed on it.

This time, we did everything right. Searched the Internet. Read a buyer's guide written by a former car salesman. Got approved for financing at our bank before we let the dealership have a crack at us. Picked out a few dealerships. Cleaned up our trade like we were selling it ourselves even washed the engine! But nothing could have prepared us for the five-hour test of endurance when we finally went to buy our small sport utility vehicle.

The demo car ran out of gas on the test drive. It was 92 degrees outside. And that's Florida degrees, which I believe are hotter than anywhere else in the nation.

They sent a rescue van to deliver gas. The whole trip took about an hour.

Then we dickered with the salesman, Jeff, who had to keep running into the manager's office. The manager, Mario, apparently is paid to shake his head and try to convince customers that they are being totally unreasonable.

That took another hour.

Then, as our battle plan dictated, we drove across the street to another dealership and test drove THEIR small SUV and talked to the dealer.

We didn't like it. Another hour.

The last two hours were spent at the original dealership, dickering over the trade and financing. Granted, part of that was sitting in the dealership's lounge watching the Knicks vs. Pacers game, waiting to talk with the financing dude. I think that's how they tried to break us. We had to watch that bunch of thugs beat the Pacers after they'd already stomped our Heat.

Have you ever noticed that, no matter what amount you dictate for your monthly payments, the financing dude pitches you something $50 higher? Like you're magically going to come up with an extra $50 out of nowhere? It goes like this: BUYER: I can afford a car payment of $350 a month for a 60-month term.

DUDE: OK. I've checked your credit rating, and we can do this for $400 a month, 72 months.

BUYER: Uh, that won't work. The payment is too high and I said only 60 months.

DUDE: OK. Since you seem like nice people and all, I'll recalculate it. (Types on computer for awhile.) I'm not going to make any money off this at all, but I can offer you $395 a month for 72 months.

BUYER: Uh, that's only down $5 a month. And you didn't reduce the length of time at all.

DUDE: OK. You're killing me here, but I can offer you $420 a month for 60 months.

BUYER: Now the length of time is right but the payments are $70 too high!

DUDE: OK. I don't know how I'm going to feed my family, but I can give you $400 a month for 72 months.

BUYER: BUT THAT'S THE ORIGINAL DEAL YOU OFFERED! Our financing dude was a little better than that, but nobody really paid attention to what we wanted until we walked out of his office, back to the salesman and asked if he'd be around next week. THAT IS THE KEY, ladies and gentlemen. Be willing to walk out and come back later, even after you've invested five hours of your time in the deal.

At least I think that's the key. I walked away feeling a little smug, but I still wondered if Jeff and Mario were rubbing their palms together and yelling, "STEAK AND LOBSTER TONIGHT, BABY!" But I adore my new car. I'm going outside right now to sniff it.

Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missourian staff writer. Contact her at newsduo@herald.infi.net.