STRANGER THAN FICTION: CANDIDATES IGNORE ISSUE OF UNWANTED BODY HAIR

The Other Half and I were eager to attend Monday's debate between gubernatorial candidates Bob Holden and Jim Talent. We anticipated a lively discussion of the issues and some help in making up our minds at the polls in November.

But frankly, I came away disappointed.

The candidates -- who must have been MORTIFIED to see they'd shown up wearing the exact same navy suit, powder blue shirt and red tie combination -- didn't discuss the foremost issue on the minds of voters across Southeast Missouri. It's something that concerns every one of us, a silent plague that's overtaking the nation.

I'm talking about unwanted body hair.

You see it in the ears and nostrils of citizens everywhere. You see it on women's upper lips and on the bridges of men's noses.

And yet the hair removal devices of today are absolutely barbaric.

You've got your depilatories, which stink to high heaven -- even the ones that claim not to -- and are too harsh for some women's faces. You've got your razors, which I generally use while standing in the shower half-asleep and positioned with one leg up like some large, exotic bird.

And now you've got your Nads, a new Australian product that you spread on various parts of your body and rip off. The television ads show either a man or an extremely hairy woman -- they don't show the face -- yanking a huge strip of black hair off his/her leg.

I'm becoming more educated about hair removal devices since I turned 30 and have begun a personal war on unwanted hair.

For example, I never thought women had a problem with nose hair, but sure enough, one lousy nose hair has been plaguing me. I'm BESIDE myself about it. Luckily, I gave Mr. Half a nose-hair trimmer for our anniversary a few years ago -- how was I to know I'd be using it myself?

It works exactly like a tiny Weed Whacker and is absolutely painless, but there have been no scientific advances to keep my single hair from growing back again.

And now I'm concerned about the fine hairs on the sides of my face. I think every woman has a tiny bit of peach fuzz like that, maybe, but mine is getting a little thick. It's so blonde it's almost white, so I've been telling myself nobody can see it.

But my experience tells me otherwise. A friend once asked me if I could see the hair on her upper lip after she bleached it.

I could. (A better friend probably would have told her the truth, but I didn't.)

Yes, I know they've come out with laser hair removal, but I'm skeptical of getting the same weapon that destroyed the Death Star applied to my face.

So you see why I'm concerned that neither Holden nor Talent mentioned anything about unwanted body hair, even when given the chance during their closing statements.

I'm proposing my own plan. Like with every other important problem examined by the government, unwanted body hair should have its own committee, which I will chair. I'll call it OUCH -- Our United Committee on Hair.

Then we'll commission a study. Frankly, I want to know why I've begun to sprout hair on my big toe.

We'll open offices across the state where people can come and get free unwanted hair evaluations. (Note: If the nose hair is growing PAST the nostril, it is TOO LONG! You wives need to get onto your husbands about this IMMEDIATELY, like I did.)

My ultimate goal is to stop hair growth through a single pill or to collect $5 million in grant money, whichever comes first.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.