STRANGER THAN FICTION: ADDING A LITTLE SPICE TO AN OTHERWISE DULL LIFE

Lord help me, I've caught myself humming "Two Become One."

It's not popular to be a Spice Girls fan nowadays unless you're a girl under age 13.

So I had to keep my feelings locked deep inside, never revealing them to even my closest friends. When "Spice Up Your Life" came on the car radio and a passenger was sitting next to me, I had to make that little "hrrrmmmph" sound and change the station. And when a trailer for their new movie came on the screen, I had to shake my head in disbelief with the rest of the audience.

But when I was alone, I danced around like a wild woman to "Wannabe," singing along with the lyrics as best I could. Sure, the words "I really really really wanna ziga-zig-aaaaaaahhhhhhh," don't mean much to most folks, but they kept me getting up in the morning during those first few homesick months in Florida!

When those five skinny girls' first movie came out, I felt I owed them a debt of gratitude. My friend Norman felt the same way -- dreams of the Spice Girls made his lack of a girlfriend so much more bearable.

There was only one thing to do: Team up and see the movie that Entertainment Weekly called a "shabbily filmed, thoroughly harmless Official Product."

Not a ringing endorsement, in my book.

Of course, my resolve to see the movie faded a bit as I stood in line with Norm, 23 giggling 10-year-olds and their thirtysomething moms. I could barely croak out the words "Spice World" to the cashier.

Not to ruin it for you, but the movie is basically about five girls with very distinct yet very marketable personalities. There's Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Posh Spice, Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice. And they have to decide what's more important: their careers or loyalty to an impregnated-out-of-wedlock-then-abandoned friend we'll call Should Have Used Protection Spice.

Apparently S.H.U.P. Spice was kicked out of the group when the other girls realized you couldn't get a woman who is nine months pregnant into a pair of Spandex hot pants.

At least the girls had the good sense to make fun of themselves. George Wendt, who plays a producer in the film, is talking with an associate about making a Spice Girls movie. "Can they act?" the associate asks. "Who cares?" Wendt answers.

I just don't understand why people who are so remarkably good at one thing feel compelled to branch out into something else. Cindy Crawford is one of the most beautiful women in history but just HAD to go and make that crappy movie where she's a lawyer being targeted by some bad guys. Unfortunately, she lives right on through the end.

How about Patrick Swayze, Don Johnson and Eddie Murphy? All fine actors, worse-than-mediocre singers.

Then there's John Travolta. Great actor. Great dancer. Lousy author.

Anyway, I went back to work the day after "Spice World" and found that Norm had run his mouth to our co-workers.

"Heidi paid money to see the SPICE GIRLS!" one of them shouted. Everyone laughed. I hung my head in shame because they were right -- the girls appear to be shallow hussies with more breasts than brains.

(Except Sporty, who doesn't have either.)

I'm not going to make the same mistake they did. Their forte was singing mindless little ditties, and they should have stuck with it. That was their place.

I've accepted that my place is sitting at home eating bon-bons and writing my little column. I'm definitely canceling that appointment at the record studio. And the acting lessons.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who lives in Pensacola, Fla.