Santas take to summer schooling

I never figured Santa would attend summer school.

But that was before I read the Associated Press story about the International University of Santa Claus, a traveling school that helps Santas be better Santas.

Educators are fond of talking about life-long learning. Well, apparently it applies not just to us mere mortals but also to Santa Claus.

Some 20 Kris Kringles gathered at a St. Louis area hotel over the weekend to share tips and take classes to sharpen their Santa style.

The Santas worked with a teacher on skills like beard styling and bleaching, and their "ho ho ho" speech.

And here I thought it was the red suit that made the man.

Personally, it's reassuring to know that these Santa guys want to improve their skills.

I wonder if they get tips on how to put on the pounds so they look properly rotund and lessons on negotiating a new labor contract with the elves.

Most people think of Santa as a seasonal mall worker. But one St. Louis area Santa says he sports his Christmas beard year round. Even when he's swimming, children approach him and ask if he's Santa just taking a vacation.

I like that thought. Santa, after all, needs plenty of rest before his annual Christmas journey.

And, not surprisingly, they like their milk and cookies. News reports said the Santas treated themselves to milk and cookies at a local fast-food restaurant.

All this Santa training should be food for thought for those advocating establishment of a community college in Cape Girardeau.

There's clearly a niche for Santa seminars. If we had a community college, we could offer professional classes in Santa skills, including how to rewire the sleigh.

But I don't think we should ignore Southeast Missouri State University either. Some Santas may want to get four-year degrees in spreading Christmas cheer.

I know Cape Girardeau is no Santa Claus, Ind., but there's no reason our community can't meet the educational needs of the world's Kris Kringles.

No one wants an uneducated Santa. How do you expect to get Johnny to pursue a post-secondary education if Santa isn't a good role model?

Continued training is essential in any profession. Why should the world's Santas be any different?

And a quality beard is essential if you want to be a Santa. Clean-shaven men need not apply.

It's also not easy shouting "ho ho ho" for hours on end. You probably need some voice lessons to do it right.

Plus, it's important to learn how to properly lift that huge bag of presents. Santa can't afford to throw his back out on the big night.

I'm sure Santa also needs some counseling from time to time. There's a lot of pressure on Santa to fulfill the wishes of all those boys and girls.

And when you're Santa, you don't want those kids to see you sweat even in the middle of summer.

Reading about the recent Santa training, I have new respect for these jolly guys and what they have to do to keep their Santa skills sharp and ready for the holiday season.

It all goes to show that there's no substitute for education at any age.

Of course, my teenage daughter, Becca, probably thinks that Santa needs a fashion makeover.

After all, he's been wearing the same suit style forever.

She'd probably like to see Santa in a burnt orange suit. Becca says she wants her first car to be burnt orange in color.

But even if he takes some fashion merchandising classes, I don't think Santa's going to change his attire. Even a well-read Santa likes a lot of red to complement his facial hair.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.