RIVER CITY JOURNAL: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE ORANGE BARRELS

Hundreds of fresh-faced university students, many with parents in tow, tried to get to the university campus this week, and without the indispensable "Sullivan's Guide to Getting From Here to There," they pretty much gridlocked all the streets in the immediate area.

Just in case there are any cars full of hungry, sleep-deprived students or their families still circling in hopes of attending classes this semester, I offer -- just in the nick of time -- a summary of the "Guide," which, you will quickly discover -- once you find where you're going -- is not available at any bookstore.

First, some general concepts of vehicular travel in Cape Girardeau:

* The closer you get to the university, the more street construction you will encounter. This is the result of the First Theorem of Civil Engineering, which states that roadwork, barricades, one-way-traffic signs and detour arrows can't possibly make traffic knots any worse than they already are.

* Street work that could have been completed by the end of June is routinely delayed until the first week of August. This allows for street crews to take their vacations while the weather at favorite travel destinations, like Branson and Tunica, is still enjoyable.

* Any street project that is expected to be done "by the time school starts" is doomed to rain delays that will push completion to at least the start of basketball season.

* With limited street access to the university campus, all north-south streets will be barricaded at the same time, just for the heck of it.

* Anything that could have been done during the summer to streets and sidewalks on the campus itself will be put off until the hottest month of the year, regardless of when school starts. This is the result of a well-known educational concept called long-range planning.

Now that you know the bedrock fundamentals of Urban Street Construction, Repair and General Jiggering, let's see if we can first figure out where you are and then get you where you really want to be.

* If you are looking out the windows on the left side of your automobile and can see what appears to be one of those mysterious crop circles but all the weeds aren't completely knocked down, you are trapped in Cape Girardeau's own version of the Bermuda Triangle, which, geometrically speaking, is not a triangle at all but a pretty fair representation of a circle. This is the world-famous roundabout. You are lost. If you are from a community where roundabouts are common, you might want to get out of your car and offer to direct traffic -- one way, please, and counterclockwise -- until the jam-up disappears. This is what Cape Girardeans call "being right friendly."

* If you suddenly find you are the only one in your lane but there are two lanes of traffic going both ways on either side of you, you are indeed fortunate to be driving on what we locals call "a major street." These main thoroughfares can be readily identified by that fifth lane down the middle. This is a parking lane for lost travelers. For best results, make sure your car is half in and half out of the middle lane. That way, everyone will honk at you, speak to you and make friendly gestures with their hands. This is how Cape Girardeans say, "Howdy, folks!"

* If you haven't discovered this already, you need to know that there are only four light-controlled intersections along Kingshighway that allow motorists to get from the east side of town (that's the part next to the river -- you knew there was a river, didn't you?) and the west side of town (that's the part with the mall). Only two of these intersections should be attempted by novice out-of-towners: Independence Street and William Street. Please allow one to two hours for your crosstown trip. Stay away from Bloomfield Road and new Highway 74. These are secret east-west routes for locals, and you must have a special-permit decal somewhere on your vehicle to drive on them. So stay away. Do not enter. Detour. Don't get in our way when we want to go to lunch, Buster. This is Cape Girardeau's version of "Being Mr. Nice Guy only goes so far."

* Despite the horror stories you may have heard from sophomores, juniors and seniors about university parking, please be assured that Cape Girardeau is the Parking Capital of the Free World. Statistically speaking, every car in Cape Girardeau is either parked or trying to get through the William Street and Independence Street intersections on Kingshighway at any given time. Here are some hints regarding available parking for university students. Try the residential area east of Central High School (hey, you're in college now surely you can find CHS). This friendly area welcomes students of all ages, and it's only a mile or so from the university campus. One place where you can always find a parking spot is the main parking lot of the Cape Girardeau Regional Metropolitan International Airport and Barbecue. Sure, it's several miles from campus, but you're just going to wind up belly/=aching about parking or walking anyway. Another popular parking recommendation is Old Hopper Road. You'll know it when you see it. Just don't mention anything about needing day care. This is how Cape Girardeans say, "See you in church."

There. You now have enough essentials to get you in. If you're interested in leaving, please get in touch with the ever-helpful County Transportation Authority.

And have a great SEMO year. That's how Cape Girardeans say, "Welcome to the River City of Roses."

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.