RIVER CITY JOURNAL: JUST WAIT 'TIL YO HEAR WHAT REAL FOLKS THINK OF ALL THIS

If only I had half the command of the English language that wordmeister Dan Rather displayed well into the wee hours of Wednesday morning, I could regale you today with mots so bon that you would forget the election whiplash from which you are recovering.

I too could have you -- just like Dan did -- scratching your head and wishing you hadn't left the TV remote in the kitchen when you went for that last batch of pretzels. In my case, of course, I would be writing such spellbinding nonsense that you would at least not turn the page for another minute or two.

And if only I had that crystal ball with the little TV in it -- the one the Wicked Witch of the West used to keep track of Dorothy's whereabouts in Oz -- I could have seen that voters in Florida were about to bring the spinning world of politics as we know it to a full stop, in which case the headline at the top of the front page of the second edition of Wednesday's Southeast Missourian could have said: "Who knows?"

I say all of this because I think someone out there cares about the election now that it's over.

But I continue to be disappointed as I optimistically flit from sales clerk to pest-control sprayer to mailman in hopes of finding someone outside the newspaper building who is really -- I mean really -- engaged in the election aftermath.

I've heard the real world talking this week, but I'm not always sure what language these folks were speaking. Here are some snippets of raw post-election analysis from my fellow Americans:

"Thank God the election is over. No more of those crazy commercials."

Translation: It's really distracting when you're watching such an outstanding example of the television arts as "Bette" to have to listen to candidates whine for votes.

"Hey, dude. Did, like, what's-his-name win?"

Translation. I couldn't have told you the name of the man who has been president for the past eight years, so why should I try to remember who the new president is going to be?

"Don't you just think that Jeb Bush is the cutest guy you've ever seen?"

Translation: The fate of who will be the most powerful man in the world rests with the voters of a state governed by someone with dimples.

"What? We've already voted?"

Translation: Although I take my civic duties very seriously, I was unavoidably tied up with getting the propane tank on my grill filled on Election Day.

"Didn't he die in that plane crash?"

Translation: I believe in life everlasting just like everyone else, but I didn't realize I'd be voting.

"Who's Joe Lieberman?"

Translation: I don't know the names of very many composers.

"Does this mean Clinton gets to stay in the White House?"

Translation: I'm thoroughly familiar with the U.S. Constitution, but I'm a little vague on some of those amendment thingys.

"Maybe we should vote again."

Translation: With proper diet, we can all avoid the discomfort of constipation.

"It's still the best system in the world."

Translation: It's still the best system in the world.

At a local eatery where I went for lunch Wednesday, the waitress was taking my money at the cash register. She handed me my change and asked a simple question:

"Do we know who the president is yet?"

I wanted to tell her that she ought to know Bill Clinton's name by now, but I could see she was concerned about the Sunshine State's holdup. So I told her not to worry. I told her we don't really need to know right away. I told her what we need is to make sure nobody messes with the system that has worked flawlessly for 211 years. I told her that there once was a time when Americans didn't know who won an election for weeks, because Dan Rather hadn't been invented yet. And, in spite of not knowing, we built a great nation and invented cotton candy. What more could you want?

She looked at the tip I left and frowned. I sensed right away that I should have shown more gratitude for her impeccable service.

"You left a ten and a one," she said, her frown turning into a smile. "I think you meant to leave two ones."

I traded her another dollar bill for the ten.

"Thanks. And come back real soon," she beamed.

Translation: Thanks. And come back real soon.