RIVER CITY JOURNAL: FEARLESS THEOLOGY: SEEK DOUGHNUTS IN BIBLE, AND YOU WILL FIND

All that business about a serpent and eating an apple? Looks like we're stuck with some pretty shaky translating.

I'll come straight out and say it: I'm addicted to fried sugar.

Can you imagine anything more disgusting?

But I'll bet an awful lot of you share my affliction.

Let's be clear about this. When I say "fried sugar" I'm not talking about pouring sugar into a skillet with hot grease and eating the results.

But that's almost what I'm talking about. In our sanitized, health-conscious society, we have found a way to eat fried sugar that is socially acceptable and fairly tidy.

We call it eating a doughnut.

"Wait a minute," you're saying as you munch your breakfast, "there's more to a doughnut than the sugar, which isn't fried at all. What about the dough?"

I knew you would bring that up. Anytime you talk about religion, you have to put up with a lot of nitpicking. And doughnuts are sacred food. Just wait and see.

You're right. Doughnuts have dough. But really, why do you eat a doughnut? I'll bet you a dollar it's not because you like fried dough. It's because of the sugar that goes on top of the fried dough. So if you cut out the middleman, so to speak, you would be just as happy with fried sugar.

That's not the way it always was, I'm here to tell you. Way back when, before anyone could count to a dozen, before "diet" became a dirty word, before anyone dreamed of food with holes in it, fried sugar was a holy food.

Check it out. Look in the Bible under "Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil." You won't have to look very far. It's right there in Genesis, sure enough.

Ask yourself a simple question: What do you like to eat that is so good that you buy it 12 at a time? Which, by the way, is exactly the same as the number of apostles. Just a coincidence?

And what do you like to eat that is so sinfully good that you know it must be evil?

Well, there you are.

Genesis doesn't come right out and mention doughnuts. But you know how Scripture is. You interpret it one way. I see it another way. And I've got to say that those old-time translators left a lot to be desired.

Take that story about eating the apple, for example. Most of the stuff in the Bible took place in the Middle East -- Egypt and Israel and Babylon and Ur and whatnot. Guess what? When God created apples, he gave them to the Greeks. He gave the Mideast figs and some other goodies. It says in Genesis that Eve was tempted by the serpent to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. When you call that fruit an apple, I think we've got a little translation glitch.

Before that very first day of creation, surely God was busy doing something. I think all that commotion about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is a pretty good indication he was working on the fried-sugar-as-an-acceptable foodstuff problem. I'll bet holes in the middle of the dough didn't come right away, even for God.

Besides, who pays any attention to the dough in a doughnut anyway?

I mean, if you look at the Mona Lisa hanging in the Louvre, you don't think, "Well, that's a fine piece of canvas -- and look, the corners are really squared off nicely." Do you? No. You don't see canvas or frame. You see a woman sort of smiling at you.

And if you look at a photograph of your grandchild, you don't think, "My goodness, this paper is really slick." Do you? No. You don't pay any attention to the paper. You just see gurgles and dimples.

So the next time you eat a doughnut -- and I hope it's real soon -- take a moment and say a little prayer, thanking the Almighty that you can buy your doughnuts at a bakery or the supermarket or a convenience store without having to mess with that serpent.

And the next time you're browsing through Genesis and come to that part about the fall of man, just imagine a big old snake enticing Eve with a fresh doughnut.

One of the plump ones.

Glazed, not powdered sugar.

Now doesn't that make a whole lot more sense out of Genesis? Who would give up eternity in the Garden of Eden with no bunions or federal income tax for a mere Winesap or Golden Delicious?

See? Once you know a little of the background, those mysteries of the Bible start making a lot of sense.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.