RIVER CITY JOURNAL: BOY, HAVE I GOT A GREAT MOVIE IDEA, A REAL WINNER

There's nothing better to boost popcorn sales than a thriller full of plots and twists. That's what we've got here.

When it happened, I didn't say anything about the switch from daylight-saving time back to good old Central Standard Time. Not one peep. I thought you might enjoy a break from my semi-annual tirade.

Since you were going to have to put up with changing the clocks anyway, I thought to myself, no need to inflict more agony with one more column about how messed up any nation is that changes its mind about something as important as time twice a year.

Well, it has been all of two weeks, and I can't stand it anymore.

That's because I have a new theory about why the government forces us to change our clocks every April and October. Oliver Stone and I should do a movie together. We could call it something like "Time Plot." Or something catchy like that.

As far as casting goes for this conspiracy movie, I see Robert DeNiro, of course, as the deranged time-zone bureaucrat who has blackmailed the Congress into his diabolical scheme to mess with American sleeping habits and light deprivation. Basically, I see DeNiro as the con from "Cape Fear" but cleaned up, wearing a three-piece suit and black leather shoes with white socks.

Of course, I'd be one of the movie's major characters: the wise country newspaper editor who singlehandedly tries to save a nation headed for moral and economic ruin because we keep flip-flopping the hands on our clocks -- even the digital ones -- every spring and autumn. I suppose the best actor for this crucial character would by a young Gregory Peck. Not the old Gregory Peck, because I'm not that old. Yet. No need to rush old age, even on the silver screen. No, I'm thinking of the Gregory Peck in "To Kill a Mockingbird," only instead of being a lawyer, he'd be the beloved newspaper editor who has the decency and common sense to stand on the courthouse steps and defend the common man from the crushing power of the federal government -- the same government that keeps us in check with the IRS Code and daylight-saving time.

But I'll let Oliver take care of casting. He knows his business. He might have something in mind for Kevin Costner.

My part in this movie, naturally, would be to provide the plot. I'm big on plot. And plots. Like the one that takes an hour away from us and then slips it back in just when we've grown accustomed to not having a full 24-hour set.

So here's my theory. So far, the only people I've told about this are Oliver and you. So keep it to yourselves for now.

The plain truth is that the time switching every year is part of a left-wing conspiracy (or right-wing, if you're a liberal) to control the elections.

Aha! I'll bet the light bulb just went on in your head too!

See, every April we have local elections. We pick school board members and city council representatives. Sometimes we throw in a tax increase or a bond issue. And just as we're going to the polls, those left-wing pinkos (or those right-wing fascists -- your choice) derail our election preparations by forcing us to figure out whether we move the clocks up or back this time.

Likewise, we usually have elections in early November. At least every other year. And what happens? Yup. Right at the end of October those conspirators reap the harvest of the time warp caused by changing the clocks again.

You can see how very serious this time-change thing is. And how logical my conspiracy theory is.

There was one small plus the other morning, thanks to the recent time change. My wife and I were eating breakfast, and we noticed the sunrise was splashing the clouds with pink lipstick the same color as the geraniums in the pots on the board fence behind our house. It was gorgeous. Until the time change, it would have been dark when we were eating breakfast. We would have missed the gorgeous display in the sky.

But I don't want the time conspirators to know about this. If they find out something good came of the time change, they'll just look for ways to mess things up some more.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.