RIVER CITY JOURNAL: AH, SWEET MYSTERIES OF LIFE WILL STAY THAT WAY

Annoying little things have no explanation, which make them even more annoying. It's a vicious and unending circle.

There are some mysteries in life that probably will never be explained.

Maybe we mere mortals don't deserve to know everything. However, that doesn't stop me from being perplexed by the ordinary confusion of living in the here and now.

Here's an example:

In the produce section of the supermarket, some fruits and vegetables have tiny little stickers on them. The stickers have numbers on them. I used to think those little numbers on those little stickers were important to the supermarket, or they wouldn't be there.

But I never see anyone at the supermarket look at those stickers. The checkout folks don't give them a second glance.

At first, I was impressed that every nectarine I bought was individually numbered. Hey, it doesn't take much to grab the attention of an old farm boy from the Ozarks. I've been around. I thought maybe my nectarines were part of a numbered set. You know, like a fine art print.

It was hard to imagine, of course, some migrant worker putting little numbered stickers on nectarines all day. And it didn't take too long -- just a few weeks -- before I realized every nectarine had the same number. I began to suspect the worst.

The stickers, tiny as they are, include the words "Tree Ripened." This puzzled me, because after being ripened on the nectarine tree, picked, processed, shipped and purchased, my nectarines were still green enough when I got them home that they crunched like ice cubes. I don't think really ripe nectarines are supposed to pose a hazard to your teeth.

I can tell you that the stickers are a nuisance. Have you tried to peel one off so you could eat a nectarine or a tomato? I happen to be one of those folks who eat the peel, and the sticker is not very tasty.

Through nasty trial and error, I have discovered that trying to wash the sticker off is a big mistake. Water, it seems, makes the sticker virtually impossible to remove without a sharp knife, which, of course, removes some of the peel -- and even some of the fruit underneath.

OK. I can eat nectarines that have little gouges in them. But why should I have to? Why can't I just take a nice, ripe nectarine out of the refrigerator, wash it off and eat it? The fruit producers of the world should listen to consumers who complain about stickers that seem to serve no purpose -- and aren't entirely truthful. They should save their money and reduce the cost of the fruit. That's something that would make us nectarine eaters happy.

Here's another example:

A while back the bank that keeps my money safe began changing all of its automated teller machines. I am all for technological progress, and I wasn't too upset when the ATM I normally use was out of commission for a while as the computer system was upgraded.

I noticed that the ATM got new buttons too. And more of them. OK, I thought, this will make the machine easier to use when I need cash.

Sure enough, the upgraded ATMs have some new bells and whistles that I like.

But here's the strange thing: The ATM I use is a drive-up kiosk located outside the bank. The buttons and computer screen are positioned for motorists who lean out of the driver's-side window to transact banking business.

The new buttons have Braille bumps on them. Probably required by some federal mandate.

Think about it: When was the last time you saw a blind motorist drive up to an ATM?

OK. Just one more example:

Direct-mail advertisers have started using a new tactic. It works like this: Mailed promotional material arrives in envelopes that look like they came straight from Someplace Very Important, like the government or a lawyer. They look so official that you would surely be committing treason if you just dumped them in the trash with all the other junk mail.

Very clever.

I got two such mailings this week on the same day. At first, my heart pounded as I looked at the envelopes. My alarm subsided, however, when I noticed the first one had my name wrong.

The second was to "Occupant."

I don't know if it will do any good, but I returned the "Occupant" envelope unopened. I wrote on the outside, "No one at this address by that name."

We'll see if anyone gets the message.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.