RIVER CITY JOURNAL: A: SOME FLOWERS, A MUSHY CARD AND ANYTHING IN GOLD

Q: What does the modern man need to be a hero on Valentine's Day? There are other questions too, but few answers.

Heart-shaped cookies with pink frosting: That's what I remember about those Valentine's Days at one-room Shady Nook School in Greenwood Valley, just over the hill from Kelo Valley in the Ozarks west of here.

It's been awhile since we had small boys who had to have enough Valentine cards for everyone in their classes, so I don't know what the prevailing customs are. However, I was standing in a checkout line at the grocery store the other day where the store manager had cunningly put a large display of cards and candy right at about the eye level of an 8-year-old.

Sure enough, there was an 8-year-old boy telling his mother, who was corralling a 3-year-old in the grocery cart, that he desperately needed still another package of cards. By the distressed look on his face, I concluded that the lad didn't want to be lumped into that group of boys (girls never make this mistake) who don't send cards to everyone, just a girl they're sweet on.

It's tough being young and having to contend with Valentine's Day. Your first problem is not wanting to appear mushy about any of the girls in your class. It's OK to be madly, deeply head-over-heels for some cute girl, but at that age you keep it to yourself.

So a young man has to make some choices: Let Cupid take a single arrow from his quiver and aim for the heart of one special lass and risk the taunts of -- well, just about everyone. Or let the cherub with the bow fling his love missiles at everyone in sight in order to mask the intentions of your own heart.

If 8-year-old boys haven't changed a whole lot in the last half-century, I'm betting they still go for the shotgun approach.

But not all of us get to stay 8 years old. And it's tough being whatever age your are and having to contend with Valentine's Day. Of course, I'm seeing this from a man's point of view. And I'm fairly certain most men will understand. I can't speak for women -- never have, and I know better than to start now.

The first rule, men, is not to forget. I know it's hard to miss the elaborate, blood-red displays that are everywhere. But I also know that men don't shop as much as women, so we might miss some of the hammer-on-the-head marketing strategies used by stores these days.

If I were in charge of Valentine's Day card and candy sales to the male of the species, I would look to the home-improvement sections, concentrating on the power tools.

This is where you can drop not-do-subtle hints for men about love. For example, next to the routers I'd put a sign -- in fluorescent yellow, not red or pink -- that says, "If you are going to forget Valentine's Day again this year, make sure your life-insurance premiums are paid up. Your family will need the money."

There. Nothing mushy about that. Just plain facts.

Another rule, men, is to wake up and smell the coffee. If your wife has been getting up at 5 a.m. and driving to a fitness center for several months and you still haven't said anything about how good she's looking, this would not be the Valentine's Day to buy her a five-pound box of chocolates to try to atone for all your previous flubs.

No sir, a woman who hasn't had an ounce of sugar or a gram of fat in six months is a time bomb with a cocoa fuse. You don't want to be the man to ignite it.

So what should a modern man do? Here's the best advice I can give, in the words of a friend: Appraisable jewelry.

Something in real gold plus a bouquet of flowers -- and for goodness sake don't forget the mushy card -- is a pretty good bet. And don't go shopping on Saturday. Have everything ready first thing on Valentine's Day. Spread it out on the breakfast table. Act like you knew what you were doing all along.

There's only one more thing you can do to be a Valentine hero: write a poem. I know that's not for everyone, but here's an example. This is for my wife on our 33rd Valentine's Day together. Do not use this and say you wrote it yourself. That would be wrong, and you would have to suffer the consequences. This is just a how-to. Think of it as the display model of an assembly-required lawn tractor.

Here goes:

(ITAL)Fortune's smile has been my lot

Since e'er we first locked eyes:

Expectations more than met

And, thanks to you, the sky's

The limit on the bounds of love

That knows no bounds. My tries

At Cupid's archery have missed

The mark at times, but here lies

What proof I can muster to hold

The eternal knot of love's ties.(END ITAL)

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.