POST-VACATION LETDOWN TOO TOUGH TO HANDLE

There are two ways to avoid the post-vacation letdown: Don't go or don't come back.

The Other Half and I just returned from a week on the East Coast. We're in one piece, the car is in one piece and domestic violence charges haven't been filed against either of us.

So it was a good vacation.

We haven't gone very far from home over the past few years, just taking a vacation day here and there to keep from going insane. This time we had a reliable car, travelers checks and a cooler. We were going places.

Feeling very domestic on the eve of our departure, I packed lean turkey sandwiches with fat-free cheese and fat-free Miracle Whip. I cut celery sticks until my fingers cramped. Going on vacation wasn't going to be an excuse to put on extra pounds!

And we ate those sandwiches and celery sticks for 18 hours on our way to Delaware. It would have been 16 hours, but we also drank the six large bottles of water I packed. Amazingly, Mr. Half and I never had to use the facilities at the same time, doubling our number of stops.

Of course, our diet changed to lard sandwiches with extra mayo on the return trip. Vacations do that to you.

Our first day was devoted to visiting with relatives who live in large homes instead of cramped apartments and vacation in Paris instead of Delaware. You can imagine my excitement when my great aunt pulled out my column on breast size to show my wealthy city cousins.

"Hmmmmmm," one said. "Very amusing."

Yeah, obviously a real knee-slapper.

Our next stop was Philadelphia on Flag Day, where the Cool Whip corporation was serving the world's largest birthday shortcake, made into the shape of a flag.

When we passed by the cake around 10 a.m., the servers were giving away modest slices with little dollops of Cool Whip. By about 4 p.m., they were giving it away by the 13-by-9-inch piece covered with Cool Whip.

Even the homeless didn't want any of that sunbaked, fly-visited cake. So much for patriotic marketing.

Then it was on to New York, where the residents were full of helpful advice like, "Why don't you get that blankety-blank out of my way?" and "Ever heard of sunscreen?"

Seriously, New Yorkers' bad reputations probably aren't warranted. We had a very friendly guide on our double-decker bus tour. Apparently the only job requirements were to smile constantly and speak both Spanish and English, but neither of them understandably.

About the only words I could really make out were Nuevo York, Barrio Chino (Chinatown) and FAO Schwartz, which the guide pronounced "Fow Schwartz."

Maybe Mr. Half and I weren't any more understandable to them. A guy on the tour bus asked what part of Dixie we were from.

I learned a lot from our first big trip as a couple. There were experiences that brought us together -- Mr. Half made use of an empty bottle during a particularly lengthy traffic jam, I nailed an orange cone on the interstate and let out a string of epithets that really surprised Mr. Half. And it's those kinds of things that really strengthen a marriage and help you work together to make decisions.

We're staying home next year.

~Heidi Nieland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.