Parents: Are you guilty of arguing in front of your kids? (Part 2)

In the last issue, we covered some of the effects parental conflict can have on children. This time we'll cover ways to at least reduce the harm caused by such arguing and conflict -- and, in certain cases, if done correctly, ways of handling conflict that can actually model for your child appropriate conflict resolution and problem-solving skills they can use themselves.

Almost all relationships involve conflict at one time or another. So how should you, as a parent, handle arguments and conflicts to reduce harm to your child as much as possible?

Let's start with some obvious things to avoid when it comes to arguing around your child.

__Avoid intense yelling, screaming and physical violence.__ Obviously you should refrain from yelling, screaming or physical conflicts of any kind. If violent verbal or physical arguments are occurring, it's best to seek the help of a trained marriage counselor or other relationship expert. Ongoing problems in this area will undermine any relationship and is unhealthy.

__Never criticize each other.__ No matter how angry you get at your partner, never criticize or talk badly about him or her. Remember your child identifies with both of you and the last thing he or she needs to hear is one parent belittling or running down the other. Doing this can cause lasting harm to your child's self-esteem and undermine his or her relationship with you.

__Never ask your child to take sides.__ Unfortunately, some parents try to get the child to align with them. Or perhaps the child may feel the urge to do so on his own. This should be discouraged at all costs. If this occurs, the child may feel aligned with one parent but at the same time feel like he is rejecting the other parent. This is never a good position for the child to be put in and also causes harm.

__Don't confide in your child when it comes to parental conflict.__ While this is a temptation for some parents, resist doing this. If you're struggling and need emotional support, confide in a friend, adult family member or a trusted co-worker. But never seek this emotional support from your child. As a parent, you want to model being in control of your emotions and appropriate ways of handling your own emotions. Remember, your child is looking to you for guidance in how to learn this life skill for himself.

__Offer limited information to the child.__ After an argument your child has witnessed or overheard, you can offer some limited information so the child knows a little more about what's going on. Children tend to think egocentrically and often will blame themselves for parental conflicts and arguments if you don't provide some explanation of what's really going on. But don't go overboard here. Give the basics and be sure your child knows it's not his or her fault. The last thing you want is your child blaming himself for the conflicts. You could try saying something like, "Mom and Dad are not getting along about something right now, but we are trying to work things out. It's not about you, and we both love you very much." This reassurance is vital to help your child maintain a healthy self-esteem.

So now you know what to avoid. Let's also cover some points about how to model healthy, positive conflicts that can actually have a positive effect on your child. If you have a healthy argument with a partner and a child witnesses or even overhears it, this can be a way for you to model problem-solving and conflict resolution skills.

Parents who model healthy conflict resolution skills are teaching their children how to handle conflicts themselves. Think about it this way. Your child looks up to you as a role model, as someone who guides him not only through your words, but perhaps even more importantly, your actions as well. Parents who are able to model healthy conflict resolution are teaching their children a variety of skills -- problem-solving, feelings, expression and how to compromise, to name a few. These are important skills that every child must learn at some point.

So there you have it -- some things to avoid with parental conflict and some healthy ways such arguments can more positively affect your child. I'd love to hear your thoughts and I welcome any questions or feedback! Just email me at shannona@tenderheartschildtherapycenter.com.

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About Shannon

Shannon Anderson is a licensed professional counselor and a national certified counselor and owner and clinical director of Tender Hearts Child Therapy Center in Cape Girardeau.