NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: THERE'S A NAME FOR OUR PAIN AND IT IS EL NINO

Let's just make some things up this week.

Well, Latrell Sprewell's lawyer, Johnnie Cochran shocked the world with his bold claim that El Nino is to blame for Sprewell's attack on coach P.J. Carlesimo.

The weather phenomenon couldn't be reached for a response to the million dollar lawyer's accusation.

In other news, Cochran's posh estate was destroyed by a brush fire and later all evidence of the home was swept away by mud slides, which scientists say can be attributed to El Nino.

Once again the warmed area of the Pacific could not be reached for a reply...

This just in...every scientist in the world has just been adversely affected by El Nino. A side bar to this developing story, CBS anchorman Dan Rather has decided to worship El Nino as a god. Latest reports show that Rather's home is still standing.

President Clinton has come out in favor of El Nino...in a carefully constructed message the president said, "I feel confident that the people of the United States can live in peace with El Nino as long as both parties decide that peace is what they want, if peace isn't what they want then disregard what I've said today. Now let's get on to more important issues like the paper training of my new dog." The president has decided to name the pup after his most loyal employee. The dog will be named "Reno."

Well, moving on...oh wait this just came in over the wire.

"I am El Nino...worship me...Continue to use gasoline vehicles...Fill the atmosphere with greenhouse gases to bring me strength...Don't listen to Al Gore he is an idiot."

Sorry folks, it seems that last quote wasn't from El Nino, but from Missouri Rep. Dick Gephart. But the Committee to Get a Republican Back in the White House has whole heartedly endorsed the cryptic message, as well.

An independent counsel has been charged with the responsibility of investigating any possible links between El Nino and the Democratic National Committee. It seems some Asian investors were sailing off the west coast of South America when the weather phenomenon formed. They later had coffee in the White House.

The investigation may also place key Republican contributors in the area of El Nino when the phenomenon formed, but they never had any coffee at the White House. They had coffee in the Senate Chamber, so they won't be investigated.

Head attorney for the independent counsel said he plans to waste a lot of taxpayers' money and drag the issue out for as long as he possibly can to keep his name in the headlines without getting to the bottom of the issue.

He then plans to bring forward a whole bunch of evidence before the American public that proves the linkage between El Nino and the DNC and he plans to have his press conference held on another network during the Superbowl.

The national media then plans to have either a really negative story about Republicans or a really positive story about Democrats or a story about Sadaam Hussein acting up again. This story will be followed by a bunch of Republicans angry that the American public doesn't care about the mud they've brought to the surface. Then a special episode of "Mad About You," will bring the nation together.

A spokesman for the DNC said that would be great. When asked why the Republicans can't seem to drive the final nails in the Clinton administration's coffin, Sen. Fred Thompson said "it's all El Nino's fault. I used to think it was Road Rage, but now I'm sure it's El Nino's fault."

Boxing promoter Don King is up to his old tricks again this time he's promoting the fight of the millennium: El Nino vs. Road Rage. The winner will be named "Time" magazine's "Man of the Year."

A child psychologist is calling for a mediawide end to El Nino accusations noting the recent shrinkage of the warm area in the pacific can only attributed to low self-esteem caused by the all the accusations in the media. "El Nino is in a formative stage and any negative talk will only damage the weather phenomenon in the future," the psychologist might have said.