NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: PLUG N' PLAY VIRTUAL INTERNS FOR THE OFFICE

First, there were the virtual pets and they taught responsibility by requiring constant attention. Then parents and teachers complained and they came out with the virtual pet you could turn off.

I guess the new lesson learned is--always remember Joey that when the real Fido barks we can always turn him off by taking him out back with daddy's gun, it will be just like when we ask you to turn off the virtual pet, only this time we took the batteries away from you forever.

Later came the virtual fighters. You've seen them, you train them and then you go find a friend with one and you attach them and they fight each other.

While checking out the news in Hong Kong I stumbled across the newest set of virtual toys, the virtual lover. You buy flowers and candy for it and you generally bend over backwards to make it happy.

I wonder what happens when you plug it into another one. Is there an awkward moment when the male virtual lover doesn't have a condom? Is there a virtual pharmacy nearby and does the virtual clerk ask for a price check?

Can one virtual lover give a virus to other virtual lovers? Is there a virtual doctor to prescribe penicillin and other STD fighting drugs when you plug into a promiscuous virtual lover?

So those questions got me thinking about more money making opportunities in the world of virtual toys. You could have the virtual Executive Branch with, of course, the virtual intern. The intern could be trained to do all sorts of maintenance tasks designed to please the person in charge.

The virtual president would have many ports for multiple plug ins. You could have the virtual Linda Tripp, which you would train to do things like wear tape recorders, tap phones and break into e-mail. A virtual Ginsburg could go from virtual talk show to virtual talk show complaining about all the media attention and his lack of virtual pay.

I still haven't thought of anything for the virtual Al Gore to do (except make phone calls from his office), but the possibilities for the rest of the virtual cabinet members are endless.

But let's move on...

To the pages of the Oregonian where gunshots rang out in a Karaoke bar. The headline reads "Bearded lady, female friend killed in possible case of mistaken identity." Talk about your Mrs. Doubt Fire.

The Electronic Telegraph brings good news for a Somalia man who has been dead for 45 years. "Hanged man declared innocent 45 years on," the headline read.

A source from the nether world said gee thanks, your timing is impeccable.

At this rate, we should know the truth about Oswald in another 10 years, an agent for Oliver Stone might have said.

Reading on we learn about a woman going through a mid-life crisis who has disappeared. She told her husband she wants to find herself. And now so does he.

This just in...the Texas Cattleman's Association is suing the Catholic Church for its Lenten practice of giving up meat.

What did some famous people give up this year for Lent? The cast of Spiceworld have given up their careers. Oprah Winfrey gave up pork prompting another lawsuit and the U.S. men's hockey team gave up their room deposit.

Hey, I noticed the Beanie Baby craze is still alive and well in Cape Girardeau. In other reports, Beanie Baby crazed parents have been asked to get a life.

Of all the fads to cling to, the locals have chosen Beanie Babies. That's almost as embarrassing as someone wearing parachute pants and a pair of Vans. But then again, we ain't that far from Branson where they still think Yakov Smirnoff is funny.

Wouldn't it be fun to be a heckler in his audience. "Hey, buddy read the news!" "Hey, ever watch CNN, your country is free now give up on the communist routine, it ain't funny." "Yahoo, you're in the land of the free, now take your act back to the eighties when it was almost funny."

Yakov's greatest fear is that there is one really funny Iraqi, Cuban or Chinese comedian about to be granted a visa to this country. And they've got their sights on Branson.

I mean how many more standing ovations can a man get for saying "I am a Kapitalist! I love this country!" I guess they're just reading the news from the mid-eighties in Branson so he's still funny.