NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: FOUR SCORE AND A FEW WEEKS AGO...

This week marks the fifth anniversary of the Jackson U.S.A. Signal and with that it's time to put the paper's existence into perspective.

Let's start by naming a few things that are older than the Jackson U.S.A. like most children in school, the Ten Commandments, the Whitewater scandal, Stonehenge, The Cash-Book Journal, most fruit cakes given at Christmas, dirt, and the pyramids in Egypt.

But let's move on to more fruitful pastures with things the Jackson U.S.A. has lasted longer than like the Chevy Chase talk show, "Easy Streets" on CBS, parachute pants, the lifespan of many insects, cold fusion and the Carter Presidency.

We also lasted longer than Travelgate, FBI Filegate, Lewinskygate (although the clock is still ticking on that one), anything I ever made in shop class, most bouts with the common cold, new Coke, Desert Storm, Connie Chung on the "CBS Evening News", any recent sitcom starring Tony Danza, the Grenada Invasion, most Clinton cabinet members, Norm MacDonald as host of "Weekend Update", Milli Vanilli and the heat inside french fries.

We lasted longer than the John Adams, and the John Quincy Adams administrations, any truce in the former Yugoslavia but not as long as most Zingers (cream filled cakes) last in a vending machine.

There are more perspectives to go through, like the fact that when we started the Rams had not yet won a Superbowl, the Spice Girls were still unseasoned, Prince became the Artist formerly known as Prince, there was no born on dating and that Lewinsky girl still preferred teachers to presidents. McDonald's fries were still on top of the world when we started the Jackson U.S.A.

When we started the Jackson U.S.A. Clinton was president (oh, wait, he still is), cars ran on gasoline and the Ozone layer had a gaping hole and "M*A*S*H*" was still being played as reruns on KFVS-12. Wait, I'm sorry, all of that stuff is still happening.

In the beginning, Oprah still ate hamburgers and Mike Tyson hadn't yet developed his taste for human ears, nor had Marv Albert savored his first female back.

I think the point we're trying to make here is that we've come a long way and there are so many questions out there that we wish to be around to answer like will Miller Lite ever cancel the "Ads by Dick" campaign. Will Orville and Wilbur keep their egos in check and remain in Fruitland or are they on the next jet plane to Hollywood? Will Tony Danza ever have another successful sitcom?

Will the WB someday broadcast professional football? Will Harry Carey ever stop announcing Cubs' games? Will I get fired for making fun of the paper I write for? Did anyone even read this far into this column? Will the Jackson U.S.A. ever be published twice daily? Will we ever know just how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? Will that last joke ever be funny?

Will the Russians ever give up on the Mir space station? Will El Nino ever be made into a made for TV movie? Will Oprah ever dine on beef again? Will "Beverly Hills 90210" ever go off the air? Will M&Ms ever melt in your hand? Will Clinton ever sleep with his wife? Will Tipper Gore ever listen to "2 Live Crew" and say with a smile "I know where you're coming from?" Will Janet Reno ever join the WWF? Who shot J.R.? Oh wait we already know that one. Will this column ever end?