NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: CUT THOSE EMISSIONS BACK

That's right the Global Warming pact has been Ok'd and now you need to cut back your emissions to pre-1990 levels so let's dive in and see what that will mean.

Number one, people who were smoking in the 1980s, but quit in the 1990s can resume smoking again. But, those who picked up the habit anytime after Jan. 1, 1990 will have to cease smoking immediately.

Those of you who were smokestacks during the 1980s, but have recently cutback need to return to your chain smoking past.

People with serious gas problems in the 1980s can go on with their gaseous emissions. People who developed gas problems in the 1990s will just have to stop that stuff.

Some have said they have a problem remembering just what amount of gas they emitted before 1990. A U.N. committee has been formed to study the problem.

Foods causing gas in people and pets will only be sold to people with a "cutback to pre-1990 gaseous emissions level," sticker. The FDA is said to be working on a fail proof system of distributing the stickers to the right people and pets.

Tex-Mex joints are closing down all over the world.

And sources say chili and burritos have been banned from the face of the earth.

The Texan Chili Mafia has begun smuggling chili contraband to deviants throughout society.

Cops are busting burrito labs throughout the Heartland. As bean crazed addicts race to area supermarkets to buy the ingredients for the illegal substance.

Chili and burrito recipes are showing up all over the Internet, prompting a government probe into censoring that vile tool of villainy once and for all.

And all volcanic activity that occurred before 1990 can continue, but any rogue volcanoes erupting after 1990 will just have to quit.

Government agents will be coming to the homes of everyone who received their driver's license after 1990 to take them back.

Everyone who enjoys soft drinks and beer will have to take their chances with drinks manufactured before 1990. Fizz, it seems, contributes to greenhouse gas build up in our atmosphere.

One positive note to the global warming agreement, all politicians have been marked as gaseous wind bags and will not be allowed to speak anymore.

Don King's mouth has been taped shut as well as Cape's own Rush Limbaugh and many other well-known expellers of large amounts of carbon dioxide.

But the biggest threat to the atmosphere, the cow, has perhaps been dealt the most harsh penalty.

Companies are rushing to copyright the "Cattle rear-end stopper."

In some field tests the cows have been seen as bloated and on occasion they've just blown up. Environmentalist warn that the explosions are no good for the atmosphere either, but it's better than what we had before.

Farmers and NASA are working on an elaborate tubing system that eventually feeds into a large tube that extends into deep space as a possible solution to the cow situation.

Training the animals to use the tube will be a difficult task, but universities around the world are developing curriculums for the new field.

Another problem posed by this project is the hole it will leave in the Ozone layer when the tube punctures the Earth's outermost atmosphere and pushes its way into deep space.

Astronauts and Cosmonauts on the space station Mir are greatly opposed to the tube idea.

Aviators around the world are also against the tubing system because it will cause more airplane crashes. Environmentalists say that their concerns are moot, since air travel will soon be banned for good.

"And that goes for those Astronaut babies as well," an environmentalist said just before he broke into the song "Plant a tree for your tomorrow..."

Opponents to the global warming pact have collectively said "you can blow it out your..." But that would be against the law.