NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: ALBANIAN VIRGINS AND OTHER FUN TOPICS

One quick note from last week before we start. It seems I have misspelled the word Champagne. I spelled it Champaign by mistake and since Champaign, Ill., is a town my computer's spell check didn't catch it. Well, I'm sorry I failed you.

So what do we do about this little boy who misspells his words. I say we hang him high! Behead the misspeller! Why don't we just take him out back and shoot him!

Well, before I get too mean let me explain to all of you out there who see mistakes; I welcome your calls to point out grammatical and especially factual errors in stories that run in the Jackson U.S.A. Signal. You can reach me at 335-6611 ext. 171.

I do welcome criticism when it comes through the proper channels but don't go calling Speak Out. Let's leave those lines open for more important issues like whether the only good snake is a flat snake or should I mow my lawn during a Cardinals game? And all those other high browed topics.

Well, enough of that, off we go to The Albanian Times where the big headline last weekend read, "30 Politicians fail virginity test."

My only observation is: only 30?

Well off to the Pattaya Mail News in Thailand. This one belongs in the irony that kills file, "Electric fishermen electrocuted." It seems two fishermen were zapping fish in a local pond when they fell into the deadly water.

Another headline reads: "Dead Finn released on bail." Hey, are those stories related?

Well, off to the Russia Times we go. The mayor of Moscow promised to clean the city of beggars and tramps because "we should take care of the interests of MOST Muscovites, who suffer." And THOSE Muscovites would be the ones who contribute to your campaign fund?

Also the Turkish parliament has decided to rename the Krasnovodsk Bay in the Caspian Sea after the Turkish president. The new name will be Turkembashi Bay. It turns out that more than 100 objects and places in Turkey have now been renamed after the president, despite his 1994 plea to stop naming things after him.

"Hey, could you tell me how to get to Turkembashi Bay?" "Sure just take the Turkembashi Expressway make a left on Turkembashi. Then right on Turkembashi to Turkembashi Park. Okay, from there you will pass three statues of Turkembashi. After the third statue of Turkembashi on the right make a left on Turkembashi and drive down to Turkembashi and make a left and drive until you see a sign that says 'Eat at Turkembashi's'...You can't miss it."

It's like the smurfs are in charge over there. Does anyone remember the smurfs? That cartoon colony of little blue people who used the word smurf in virtually every sentence. Here's an example of smurfs in an argument: "Smurf you!" "No, Smurf you!" "Ahh, smurf off!" "Would you two stop smurfin' and get the smurf over here?"

And finally we go back to South Africa, this time we'll pull a story off the Daily News Briefing for South African Press Agencies wire. It seems the South African Defense Force used to use Playboy centerfolds and electric shock treatments to reprogram gay recruits.

Yeah, that'll work. Why don't they just try penicillin?

Let's show them naked girls cause they obviously don't know what they are missing and then let's use electric shock because that's always a good reprogramming tool.

Hey, if this works there will be a rash of adolescent boys in South Africa telling their mothers they are gay so that they can go to the doctor and get a subscription...sorry...a prescription to rid them of this dreaded disease.

And I guess for the more serious cases you get to take a look at Hustler and Juggs.