Mourning with those who mourn

Charlie and Loretta were in deep, deep mourning. They had just found out that their daughter had died by suicide. I was serving as the youth pastor at their church and was asked to be present when their two teenage granddaughters were told about their mother. When the girls found out, they both wailed, screamed, cursed and sorrowfully lamented. I realized that there were no seminary-trained words or pastoral gestures to help them; my only job in that moment was to descend into the depths of sadness and cry right alongside them.

In his epistle to the Romans, the Apostle Paul provides an arpeggio of attributes that describe the true marks of being a Christian. One instruction Paul gives is: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).

It is easy to journey alongside others who are in the midst of a joyful season of life, but it requires a truly loving resolve to be able to walk with someone gripped by loss, depression, confusion and sadness. However, Paul tells the Roman believers that a true mark of authentic Christian community is to be able to empathize with one another.

If we want to truly love others, we have to be able to experience empathy. Most of us settle for the arm-distance experience of pity ("I acknowledge your pain") or sympathy ("I care about your pain"). Those are good starting places, for sure. But to truly "mourn with those who mourn" you must move on to empathy ("I feel your pain with you").

Empathy seems to be a limited resource in today's world. Rather than entering into the feelings and experience of others, we seem to be more comfortable sitting in judgment of perspectives we do not understand and to which we cannot relate. It is especially disheartening when our leaders seem to be incapable of empathy.

When a loved one is experiencing depression, empathy is lovingly hearing them out, not trying to browbeat them into positivism. When a co-worker experiences a loss, empathy is assuring them it is acceptable to be sad, not offering them an empty cliche. When a friend is plagued by doubt, empathy is acknowledging their questions, not lobbing Bible quotes at them. When a segment of our society chooses to peacefully protest in some manner, empathy is being willing to hear their reasons for doing so, not automatically becoming defensive of some trite notion of pride. Likewise, when you partake in an action of protest that causes others to become upset, empathy is being ready to listen to their hurt, not merely writing them off as ignorant.

Pity and sympathy are easy. They do not require us to truly become engaged with the life experiences of another. Empathy may be one of the demanding things we could ever do for another person. Yes, it is hard work, but (according to Paul) if we want to follow Jesus, it is required of us.