May one never die too soon

May one never die too soon

As a young adult I occasionally thought about when I would die. Since young people often feel they're immortal, I visualized what I'd like to accomplish before my death. I fabricated images of the perfect time, and life conditions I wanted before I passed --as if I had a choice. However, as I matured I adopted a new outlook about when the right time to die may be.

While I was young, any thoughts of my dying were morbid, so I consoled myself with promises that I'd be ready if I was "first" allowed to live the type of life I imagined -- like I could win God over to my reasoning. I had many criteria that had to be met before I went with my creator.

I remembered the deaths of my grandmothers. Then later, my parents left this world for the next. I missed their presence. And I had feelings of remorse, asking, "Why did I fail to visit more and spend time talking and breaking bread with them?"

I later dissolved my guilt by recognizing I did my best considering my life circumstances as a wife and mother of three children. They had to be my first priority. I then rationalized that my loved ones were quite elderly, suffered from incurable illnesses, were unable to be healed and, consequently, were now free from pain. And since all had lived long lives they were probably ready to meet Jesus.

I always felt worse when a child died -- thinking he had missed so much of life. Even though he had escaped a great deal of pain and misery, it was certainly too soon when death came to young people, I thought.

Now it seems I'm living through a time when many people aged 20 to 50 are dying of heart disease, cancer and other mysterious illnesses. I wonder how they can be "ready to die" and I ask why God is claiming them so soon.

As I thought about God's mysterious ways, I questioned what I needed to complete or accomplish so I could say, "Take me Lord, I'm finally ready to go with you." What a difficult chore! First, I wanted to make sure I had a firm relationship and faith in God. Then he would be waiting to receive me into his awesome kingdom. Secondly, I needed to let everyone I loved know of my caring. I may not be here tomorrow to tell or show them. What a serious obligation that was. So I now try to treat people with love and respect while often holding my tongue -- shoving back words that are less than encouraging.

I want to leave things so others experience joy when they think of me. I would be deeply pained believing I had inflicted lasting scars on anyone. I still have things to set straight, and tasks to accomplish that are, hopefully, those assigned to me by God. I pray that God gives me insight into what those tasks are -- perhaps merely listening to him.

What is the perfect age or time to die? Although we cannot choose, we can influence our attitude. Those who seemed most ready to go possessed a strong faith in God and the hereafter -- Jesus' promise of salvation. Also, they had accomplished most of what they felt God had given them to complete in their lives -- from raising children to placing the last brick in a building. Whatever the undertaking, they felt a sense of completion.

Jesus was a young man when he died, but few people questioned his age because "he had finished his Father's business." "Consult the Lord about your plans then whatever you do will prosper" Proverbs 16: 3.

Ellen Shuck is director of religious education at St. Mary's Cathedral Parish.