Martha could get us all in shape

The headlines scream at us.

We're told we're overweight and out of shape.

We're told it's a health crisis.

But it appears things aren't as bleak as we may have thought.

After five months in prison, American entrepreneur Martha Stewart emerged thinner, wealthier and ready for prime-time television.

Let's face it, the federal prosecutor who zealously went after the high priestess of home decor did her a favor. She's more popular now than ever.

But forget the fame and fortune, Stewart's real achievement is to focus attention on what a federal prison can do for you.

We could tackle this health crisis once and for all.

Stewart's experience will have us all looking to check into a prison farm to work off those excess pounds. The Stewart diet will overtake the South Beach Diet.

After all, people want to look chic while they're shedding pounds.

Maybe Congress could set up federal work camps throughout the country where overweight Americans could check in for a few months to get back in shape.

It would be less expensive to do that than for society to be burdened with the rising cost of treating obesity in doctors' offices and hospital rooms.

No doubt, Stewart could dress up the places so they don't have to look so drab.

It would be easier for prosecutors too. A lot of people would admit to white-color crimes if they could work off a few pounds at a stylish prison farm. The federal prison system could become the new Club Med for health-conscious Americans.

Federal prison officials might be wise to hire Stewart to put these prisons in shape.

She'd improve the furnishings and give inmates classier dinner fare.

Of course, the demand for such a service might overtax the federal prison system. But our nation has to do something to deal with the obesity crisis.

With Stewart's marketing prowess, the prison diet could become a hit reality TV show that would make even Donald Trump jealous.

And there's no doubt we all would rather shed pounds in style and learn how to hold a quality dinner party at the same time.

Stewart can dress up vegetables in such a way that we can't wait to chow down on broccoli even in prison.

And the advantage of being in federal prison, at least one run by Martha Stewart, is that you won't be stuck eating fattening fast food.

Also, while you are losing weight you can learn some tips on dressing up your home and perhaps pick up a few stock tips. Oops, don't tell the prosecutor about that last one.

At any rate, I'm sure Martha can transform prison attire and make us all want to be behind bars with a comparable stock portfolio.

Martha's beaming smile couldn't come at a better time, particularly since the federal government has sounded another health alarm -- warning that a few drinks may not protect against strokes and heart attacks.

Boston Red Sox fans don't want to hear such a thing. All this time, they thought they were helping their health by imbibing at Fenway Park.

But there's no need to worry.

Martha's bound to have some good recipes for cooking sherry.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.