MARK MY WORD: TALK IS CHEAP, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S TALK RADIO

Talk is cheap, particularly on the radio.

It's amazing how many people are experts and want to talk about it on the radio.

I'm convinced the First Amendment wasn't written by our nation's founding fathers. It was written by radio broadcasters who wanted to have plenty to talk about.

There are experts who can tell you startling new facts about the Titanic (it sank) and how to have tight buns on a tight schedule (and we're not talking about hamburgers here).

One woman, who is active in the men's rights movement, will tell you how to dump your wife for the other woman.

There's a New Mexico surgeon who lectures on how to turn your chores into a great physical workout. He says you can get a great workout on an airplane.

Personally, I have my doubts. First of all, when you are wedged in one of those narrow airplane seats, it's all you can do to move your hands, much less anything else.

Getting up 30 times to go to the restroom might help, but I suspect the only way to really get any exercise is to jump out of the airplane without a parachute.

That's certain to be an exhilarating experience, although it's not something you can make a habit of doing. Crashing to the ground at a high rate of speed doesn't do much for the figure.

Then there is the ex-priest who advertises that he reveals "extraordinary confessions of ordinary people." Bill Clinton isn't one of them.

There's a college professor who will tell you why poor people shouldn't have children. Does this have anything to do with the old woman who lived in a shoe?

Another author will tell you "How to Have the Wedding of Your Dreams on a Nightmare Budget." She claims there are 150 ways to slash wedding costs. Don't get married would surely top the list.

A Harvard-trained nutritionist will tell you how to lose weight while eating up to 200 percent more food. So what if you end up looking like a blimp? You thought you were going to lose weight, right?

A working mom will tell mothers how to quit being the family slave. The author of "Survival Tips for Working Moms" will tell you how to turn housework into a family affair.

This is sure to send most American men to the confessional, where an ex-priest is sure to write about them.

Another expert will tell you how to tell if your friends and relatives are really crazy or just wacky. Most experts, I'm sure, fall into the first category.

Then there's the comedy writer who will answer the big question: Is your bad breath worse than your dog's? Now that's something to howl about.

Still, nothing can compete with two armchair experts who will answer the question, "What if men could get pregnant?"

These two men put down their remote controls, donned 50-pound "empathy bellies" and ventured out into the forbidden world of water retention, bulging bodies and raging hormones to find out what it was like to be pregnant.

The two men interviewed people in the nation's maternity wards and wrote a book about it, thus making them radio-talk-show guests.

Personally, I'd be more interested in hearing from an expert on silence. Dead air time would be just fine with me.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.