MARK MY WORD: SURFING THE INTERNET LEAVES NO TIME FOR CHORES

The Internet is everywhere. You can't even run for president without glancing at your home page.

Bob Dole referred to it as his "whatchamacallit" in a campaign stop at a school.

Dole even had a chance to view the White House home page on the computer screen. If he is elected president, he gets the Oval office and his own home page.

At our house, the Internet has hit full force.

My wife, Joni, and I spend hours surfing the net.

Our 4-year-old, Becca, complains that she can't get on the computer to play her "Lion King" games because we are hogging the terminal.

No doubt, this is a constant complaint in today's modern family.

Who has time to vacuum when the Disney home page is on your screen?

It won't be long until the New England Journal of Medicine confirms my suspicions: America has become one big computer couch potato.

You don't remember David Letterman's top 10 lists for 1995? Call it up on the Internet. You also can view a whole bunch of photos of Letterman making silly faces.

This probably won't get you an A in English class, but it's a lot more fun.

You can click onto the Internet and view everything from photographs in the Library of Congress to information about America's dead presidents.

Being connected to this vast array of knowledge is a little mind boggling.

You can punch a key and meander all over the computer universe. It's like shopping at a mall with a million entrances and exits.

Speaking of shopping, you can do just that on the Internet.

It's like ordering something on the phone, only you don't even have to talk with anyone. You just type in your order.

Personally, I don't like the idea of ordering something over the vast, vague reaches of computer space.

I want to know who is on the other end.

Still, computers are amazing.

Those tough questions about stubborn carpet and upholstery spots can now be answered on the Internet.

The new Stanley Steamer Web site allows anyone on the Internet to receive expert carpet-cleaning advice and order spot remover.

You can also send e-mail to the company and communicate with carpet experts.

Of course, this presumes that you want to take the time to clean your carpets.

Actually, the whole reason computers were invented was to keep us from doing such mundane household chores.

It also means we no longer have to talk to people directly, even at home.

We can talk back to a computer screen. But only for awhile.

At some point, we have to do the dishes, take out the trash and feed the baby.

You can't just surf through all those duties with a mouse or a whatchamacallit.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.