MARK MY WORD: LIFE ON MARS? ONLY IN NASA SCIENTISTS' MINDS

As anyone with an ounce of intelligence knows, including those noisy TV frogs of beer commercial fame, life can't exist without beer.

The folks at NASA have suggested that a meteorite harbors evidence of past life on Mars.

They say they've discovered evidence that a primitive form of life may have existed on Mars billions of years ago.

The scientists have concluded this from studying a rock that apparently broke loose from the Martian surface some 15 million years ago. It wandered around the universe until its frequent flyer miles were used up. It crashed into Antarctica about 13,000 years ago.

Personally, I'm skeptical about all this talk of past life on the Red Planet.

For one thing, no beer cans were found in the rock.

As anyone with an ounce of intelligence knows, including those noisy TV frogs of beer commercial fame, life can't exist without beer.

It's one of the building blocks of life, along with Chicago Bulls hats and Coca-Cola.

Besides, if it's primitive life we're talking about, where are the politicians?

More significantly, where are the parents? You can't have life without parents.

These scientists found no diapers, dolls or dirty dishes stashed in the rock.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that even cockroaches need a few table scraps to sustain life.

President Clinton has vowed that the United States will boldly seek out any aliens on Mars and register them to vote.

Mars has had plenty of careers over the centuries. First, it was a god of fertility. But it later became the Roman god of war, which got it more press coverage and propelled it into a love affair with Venus.

Artists showed Mars in armor and wearing a crested helmet, which is a lot more sexy than the view from NASA: a bunch of sausage-shaped particles in a rock.

But then it's hard to respect a planet that has been reduced to a candy bar.

Scientists say the surface conditions on the Red Planet are more like Earth's than those of any other planet.

But I don't buy it: You don't have junk yards on Mars and you can't go fishing.

Temperatures are a little extreme too. The lowest nighttime temperature recorded on Mars in winter was minus 191 degrees. That's a little cold even for people from Chicago.

There's no running water, although there might be some frozen water lurking about in the polar caps.

The plains of Mars are covered by red sand dunes and jagged rocks. It's a dusty place.

It's the kind of place that only a scientist could love.

No self-respecting organism would camp out there.

Children wouldn't stand for it. Not even little green kids.

Mars has no Disney movies, playgrounds or fast food. Life can't exist without them, as all parents know.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.