MARK MY WORD: LIFE CAN BE STRANGE IN CATALOG CITY

Our house is catalog city. Our mailbox is regularly crammed with them.

I never got all these catalogs when I was single.

But now that I have been married for 15 years, Joni and I have become a catalog-targeted couple.

Open these full-color catalogs, and you are bombarded with everything from table skirts to toys.

We get the garden-variety, Christmas catalogs that offer everything from shoes to skirts, but increasingly we are on the address list of more exotic catalogs.

For those of you who haven't ended up on the catalog circuit, here's a sample of what you have been missing.

Trampoline-Style Dog Bed.

According to a catalog, this is sure to become your dog's favorite retreat. The bed's mat is sewn over an inner steel ring, then attached to an outer steel hoop, making it virtually chew-proof and a total turn-off for a dog. Dogs aren't interested in bedding they can't chew. But a non-chewable bed might be perfect for the baby's room.

Golf Club Drink Dispenser.

This fairway companion will keep 48 ounces of your favorite beverage cold enough for your entire foursome without the inconvenience of carrying around a conventional cooler or your own bartender. With a dispensing head that resembles a golf club, this 33-inch long cooler slips easily into your golf bag. Better yet, you don't have to tee off to use this club.

Hands-Free Scalp Massager

You wear it like a hat. It massages your neck and scalp. It's one drawback: You turn into a Klingon.

Life-Size Dinosaur Footprint Reproduction

About 105 million years ago, a two-legged meat eater stepped into a river bed in hot pursuit of dinner. A major marketing firm turned the river bed into rock and waited all these centuries just so it could release these replica footprints and make a ton of money.

Authentic Russian Street Sweeper Jacket

The street sweepers cost extra.

Direct from some bankrupt factory in St. Petersburg, this is the jacket that kept all those street sweepers warm, so the catalog says. And here I thought it was the vodka. "Stylish, sturdy and an excellent value," the catalog points out. In other words, this jacket is trendy, but only if you're a Russian peasant.

South African Election Ballot.

For $19.95, you can own a genuine, unused ballot from the historic April 1994 election, the first multi-racial election in South Africa. Each ballot comes with voting instructions in 11 languages. But don't worry Americans, you don't have to vote. More importantly, neither Bob Dole nor Bill Clinton are on the ballot.

The Berlin Wall.

No, you don't have to buy the whole thing. The Daily Planet catalog, which isn't published by Superman's newspaper, has apparently sold most of the wall. "We're down to our final 250 graffiti-covered pieces of the symbol that divided East and West for a generation," the catalog cries out. For less than $10 you can get a small chunk of the chipped, communist concrete. Or you can spray paint your driveway and dig it up instead. In the right catalog, it will sell too.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.