MARK MY WORD: BALLOONOLOGY 101: THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME

Balloons make the clown. Forget the makeup and the crazy wigs, it's balloons that really matter.

You've seen clowns twist colorful balloons into dogs, cats, horses, swords and anything else that one can imagine.

There is real art to it.

I know about this because my house is now full of such balloons. We have a virtual graveyard of them piling up.

It all started when my father-in-law decided to take a clown class in St. Louis.

When it's over he will be able to get a job doing kids' birthday parties. He certainly will be a hit with the grandkids.

If you're going to be a card-carrying clown, you need to be able to turn those long, sausage-like balloons into green poodles, blue cats, orange horses and assorted other things.

My father-in-law loaned us a clown school video tape on how to create masterpieces with a bunch of balloons.

Now my wife, Joni, and our 4-year-old daughter, Becca, are hooked on this balloon stuff.

They sit for hours at a time on the living room couch watching Big Bob the balloon man on the video tape as he explains balloonology 101. They practice every twist and turn he makes, stopping the tape every few minutes and reviewing their work.

Every now and then, a balloon pops, killed by a bad twist.

"I'm good at making hearts," observed Joni, admiring her handiwork.

Joni can make a coiled snake too and even a Ninja turtle. Not everyone can put that on their resume.

Cats, on the other hand, are hard to make. You have to do a bunch of twisting and pulling to get a cat's face shaped just right.

Becca is good at making dogs. I tried to make one, but it looked more like road kill.

I get lost on all those twists and turns.

Joni and Becca, however, seem to have a knack for this sort of thing.

Birthday parties at our house should be a lot more fun now. Who needs Chuck E. Cheese, when I have the balloon gals living under my roof?

Even with a broken hand pump, Joni still managed to continue blowing up balloons Sunday afternoon and turning them into a menagerie of animals.

Joni complained Monday that her fingers were sore from all that twisting.

She also has vowed to buy a new pump. Even non-smokers like us get winded trying to blow up these balloons.

It isn't a problem for Big Bob, who can blow up a pair of balloons in his sleep. Balloons seem permanently attached to him.

This guy is fast. Twist, twist and the balloon is a monkey. Twist, twist, twist, and a balloon is a horse.

All these balloon animals are nothing but a series of bubbles, formed by proper twisting.

Making a poodle requires lots of little bubbles, but at least you don't have to buy a skirt for it.

It is disheartening when you finish the work of art only to have the nose pop. Talk about bursting your bubble, this is the real thing.

As a parent, balloon animals no doubt are a plus.

But Joni isn't ready to clown around. She doesn't want to paint her face white and wear a big, red nose.

She just wants to do the twist.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.