Making the leap to homeowner

The leap from lifelong renter to homeowner is a long one indeed.

Hold up on the speech about building equity versus throwing away money and look at it from my point of view. The Other Half and I are home-care challenged. For example, he almost burned down an apartment simply attempting to install a ceiling fan. Luckily, when the smoke and sparks cleared, the only damage revealed was to Mr. Half's ego.

When the garbage disposal clogs, it isn't our problem. When birds nest in the chimney, it isn't our problem. When aphids take over the kitchen ... you get the picture.

Of course, the situation is far different for homeowners. Like my friend Joe, a frequent mover and serial homeowner, says, "Think of the satisfaction you'll feel when you look at a leak coming through your ceiling and can say, 'I own that leak.'"

All that aside, nothing makes this 34-year-old feel more like a loser than watching younger friends and relatives buy homes. They've managed to get their finances together, buy a copy of "Real Estate for Dummies" and select someplace they want to make a $100,000 (or more) commitment to.

Meanwhile, I can't even stick with the same shampoo twice in a row.

Cruel fate is forcing us to grow up. Our apartment complex is going condo and has a laughable new name to prove it -- Itopia. It means, "This is a perfect society for me, not U." Despite the name, I was excited at the prospect of buying our unit. It seemed like good way to dip our toe in the adult world and still avoid mowing the lawn. Then the owners announced the price for our tiny home. It made me swallow my gum. Plus, my new morning alarm became workers running a jackhammer in the swimming pool right next to my unit.

Meanwhile, my neighbor's plastic goose has returned to our shared balcony. I thought it may have been blown away in a hurricane, but it appeared safe and sound one evening, wearing a pumpkin costume with a matching hat. Hey, even plastic geese like to accessorize! What amazes me is that someone took the time to make patterns and sew several costumes for a plastic goose. That person would absolutely ADORE the Poultry and Rabbit Dress-Up Contest at the SEMO District Fair, which has the added drama of getting clothing on a LIVE animal.

Our lease is up in December. The Other Half and I must either rent again or buy. We got our financing together and looked at some great houses, but I'm scared -- just as much about potential neighbor problems as potential house problems. Once you buy, you are stuck with these folks, and I've heard a heap of homeowner complaints over the years. Neighbors whose dogs bark all night. Neighbors who walk around naked in the back yard, sans privacy fence. Neighbors who turn their lawns into meadows.

This is one of the most stressful times in my life. The constant jackhammering doesn't help.

Is there a 12-step program for addicted renters?

Heidi Hall is a former managing editor of the Southeast Missourian who now lives in St. Petersburg, Fla.