LOCAL ANGLES: HARMLESS FUN OR DASTARDLY BRAINWASHING?

How could I have been so blind for all these years?

I thought Walt Disney's characters were merely innocents designed to entertain kids and adults when things were getting a tad too complicated.

But lo and behold, I realize that the "Lion King" is nothing but a cast of misfits who are sexist, racist, homophobic, violent and whatever else Harvard psychologist Carolyn Newberger has uncovered about their dastardly souls.

Thanks to Newberger I now see how "the good-for-nothing hyenas are really urban blacks; the arch-villain's gestures are effeminate and the movie's plot is a sort of Hamlet-meets-Abbott-and-Costello-in-the-jungle."

This caused me to wonder about some of the movies I thought were classics but must now be barred from further viewing. I began to think about all of the villains like the evil Queen-Witch from Disney's first full-length feature "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

I am now convinced that the Queen-Witch was actually the first model for all of the serial killers we have seen since the movie first appeared on the screen.

I uncovered this piece of information when I studied some of her dialogue. "Snow White is naught but a scullery maid, my wish to be rid of her shan't be delayed! She's a pitiable child, a miserable shrew, I can't wait to bid her a final adieu!"

How about Jafar from "Aladdin?" Jafar was actually giving children who would aspire to be politicians some terrible ideas. "Iago, my friend, the throne shall be ours, we will rule over all of the land!" says Jafar. "Diamonds and rubies and sapphires galore, we'll have it all, just like we planned."

Then there is Cruella De Vil, the shallow shrew from "101 Dalmations." I realized that Cruella was actually telling us to go out and kill animals for the selfish gratification of wearing their fur. "There is nothing like stroking a fur, with its softness surrounding your throat," says Cruella. "Rabbit and sable I already have, what I want is a Dalmation coat!" I wonder if Imelda Marcos started her shoe collection after watching this one.

Boy was she greedy. I mean Cruella, not Imelda. "Ninety-nine Dalmation puppies, I think, will fit me to a T. One by one, I'll gather them up and wrap them all around me! Then in my fabulous brand-new fur coat, I'll flaunt myself all over town. If I like it enough, well then, who knows? Perhaps next a Dalmation gown!"

You thought Captain Hook was just a little mean-tempered? Hah, he was downright vicious. "That boy hasn't seen the last of me yet!" says Hook of Peter Pan. "I'll get him and his friends, on that you can bet. Then I'll cut him to ribbons, that poor little fool. He thinks he can beat mighty Hook in a duel! He'll walk down that plank, the miserable clown! How proud I will stand as I watch Peter drown! Yes, watching him die will be such a treat! Oh, revenge can taste so wonderfully sweet!" Disney should have known enough to pull the plug on Hook.

It just goes on and on. Remember Stromboli in "Pinocchio?" Stromboli was actually telling us man's inhumanity to man was a fun sport to play. He would have been promoted several times in Hitler's army.

"Little does this poor boy know he now belongs to me. He thinks he can go home tonight, but I'll never set him free!" says Stromboli. "A fortune he will make for me until he gets too old. Then I'll chop him into firewood and count up all my gold!" We've all worked for this guy at least once in our life.

Finally, I realized that Disney was not taking illiteracy very seriously. I saw this when I studied the villain Gaston in "Beauty and the Beast."

"A glistening smile and big, beautiful eyes, the women all love me, I'm such a great prize! But it's Belle that I want, my call she must heed. Why does she ignore me? All she does is read."

But Gaston doesn't stop at that. He obviously doesn't think much of women's liberation. He could probably use a sensitivity session or two. "We'll all storm the castle, and I'll kill the Beast! Then I'll marry Belle, there'll be a great feast! The townsfolk will marvel as Belle will be mine. Two beauties together until the end of time. And the only problem that I can foresee is who is prettier, the Beauty, or me?"

Hmm. Just think what a great place the world would have been were it not for Disney's terrible characters and the subliminal messages they gave us when we were just trying to be fun-loving kids.

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.