Letting your loved ones figure it out

"He's going to have to figure it out on his own," Lynn said, angrily. She was so distraught at Web's behavior and lack of motivation that she was ready to give up. It seemed that nothing she tried worked with him. He, merely wanted to stay around home and hang out with friends, doing nothing to better himself or prepare for his future. He had dropped out of school, lacking only a few hours until graduation. Lynn asked herself if she dared push him out to find another place to live, knowing he had other relatives with whom he could reside, if need be. Since Web refused to be a responsible member of the household, she felt she was enabling him to continue doing nothing toward preparing himself for a successful, and realistic life.

As most loved ones do, Lynn hesitated because she feared the harmful consequences that might transpire if he was shoved out into the world to fend for and make choices for himself. Lynn finally decided that she would try allowing him to "figure it out" because she could no longer tolerate his disinterested attitude and laziness. Lynn felt sorry for Web because she knew he, presently, had deep-seated problems concerning the way he looked at reality and life.

My story mimics the predicament that many experience when they are wondering whether to help someone with his life's decisions. We ask, "Should we, once again, try to steer him in the right direction, or do we step back and allow him to figure out things on their own?" Scott Ginsberg, author, speaker and mentor said to ask yourself, "Is it my place to fix this? " Most of us are fixers. We love to offer suggestions, ideas, and sometimes become upset when our advice isn't followed, but, people have to come to their own conclusions. One may suffer many hard-knocks, but often, the only way people learn, is to experience the results of their actions. They either mature to a higher level of reasoning, or experience the consequences of the error of their ways. "To back off, becoming simply a bystander, is difficult. It requires self-control, emotional restraint, and also relinquishing a part of our pride and control." (Ginsberg)

In the article, "How to back off and let the people you love figure it out on their own," Ginsberg lists ways to allow others to figure it out on their own. He says to ask, "Is it your place to fix this?" "Avoid your need to add value to their idea/ideas. Although you may have added worthy information, you are robbing them of the ownership of the idea," author Marshall Goldsmith, in his book, What got you here won't get you there, said. "If you don't let people come to their own conclusions, and make their own decisions and mistakes, you deprive them of valuable learning opportunities. Don't hover over people, including your kids. Let them make their own mistakes." (Ginsberg) Lastly Ginsberg advises "to remember that you can't convince people to change -- you can only give them more information, and let them learn on their own." He asks, "Whom are you trying to make just like you?" When we attempt to force people into adopting our ideas and advice, we need to realize that we are wanting, often, to make them into carbon copies of us. What a pity and a waste of individualism! We need to take ourselves out of the equation and allow others the freedom to be themselves, regardless, of whether it meets our expectations and desires.

We sometimes, without realizing it, want others to follow our direction because it's an ego boost to our self-image. Others will follow a path, with more commitment, though, if they feel like it is their baby and they can take the credit for it. As far back as the Old Testament in Christian Scripture, we notice that God gave Adam and Eve the gift of choice. They could eat of the forbidden fruit or obey God and refrain from eating it. Their choice was eating the fruit, and they suffered. They made the wrong choice, but let's, out of love, grant others the same privilege, be it right or wrong.