LETTERS FROM HOME: EVERTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN OBEDIENCE SCHOOL

Sept. 16, 1999

Dear Patty,

A friend sent along a note listing some of the things dogs can teach human beings. Things like:

-- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

-- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

-- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

-- When in your best interest, practice obedience.

-- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

-- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.

-- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

This list must be based on somebody else's dogs.

When I open the back door, Hank bolts through the opening before I can say hello. Lucy saunters behind, pausing to be petted before collapsing on the dog bed stationed just outside the door for her pleasure.

Joy rides? Ever since the car accident they were in with DC a few years ago, Hank and Lucy cower in the back seat of the car while it's moving. They aren't unhappy about going but they're very happy to get there.

As for gusto and enthusiasm, Hank and Lucy reserve theirs for ground hogs.

Lucy does like attention but Hank allows himself to be touched only in certain places and moods.

Having cohabited with two dogs for four years now, I can offer these canine-inspired teachings:

-- If you adamantly refuse to eat food that's good for you, eventually you will be served something greasy.

-- Laps are good sitting.

-- Certain words are exciting to hear whether or not they're meant.

-- Sleeping on the couch is a right, not a privilege.

-- Sniffing strangers is prudent.

-- Cats and "Cats" are an abomination.

-- Staring at nothingness is the path to Nirvana.

-- A double-wide bathtub ring is a sign of a well-lived life.

-- Leaving partially chewed bones on the floor is always bad manners.

-- Television drains the life out of people.

-- When people get really mad at you, hide under the bed.

-- In some situations, chewing a chair rung is the only response that makes sense.

-- Sharing is one of the most difficult abilities to learn.

Human beings might have the edge over dogs on that last one. Lucy gleans the juicy parts off Hank's food bowl if we don't police her at feeding time. Give each a bone, she finagles to get both of them.

DC and I fare only slightly better. We share a car and a truck, and every morning is a fire drill of switching her paperwork and pottery and my golf equipment from one to the other.

I want a golfmobile that's all mine. She wants new kitchen cabinets that will be all ours. I guess that's called marriage.

My belief is that dogs are much smarter than we think they are. We house them, feed them, provide them with health benefits and unbounded affection. In return, they sleep and accompany us on walks. Human beings could do worse than to live a dog's life.

Love, Sam