Let bygones be bygones

Mom and Grandma had some good advice for almost everything, it seemed. Consequently, I still refer to their quotes, cliches and favorite Scripture passages. Most of the time, though, the words simply pop into my head. As I meditated on nothing in particular the other day, one of their favorite phrases took over my thoughts.

"Let bygones be bygones" was at the top of their long list of remedies for life's problems. As I sat pondering the meaning of that statement, I realized there must be something I was missing in understanding its main point. It sounded so simple yet it evidently carried so much weight. Bygones are what are in the past, over with, departed or long gone.

That was what Paul recognized when he said as a Christian, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)

He realized he could not allow his past to keep him from changing and continuing. He first had to ask forgiveness and then, most important, forgive himself. To keep reliving the past would have only invited failure in the future. Regardless of his reputation as a persecutor of Christians, he was not excused from making an effort to forget the past and keep going forward. That passage has many connotations.

Bygones can include almost anything. They can be either a pleasant or depressing experience. A certain amount of reminiscing is often joyful, but you need not dwell on memories -- unless they're therapeutic. If beneficial happenings occurred earlier, that's great, but to keep on reliving them in excess causes one to cease striving to achieve, make fresh memories, new friends and try for other experiences. Dwelling on the past can stop people from continuing to live life fully in the present.

Mom and Grandma usually quoted "Let bygones be bygones" when they were talking about someone who refused to forgive someone for a misdeed or hurt they had imposed upon them. But when someone could not forgive himself for a past mistake or transgression, the same cure was recommended. Think of the lives that have been ruined, and the years and hours that have been wasted because one held on to things in his past.

When your mind is filled with anger or hurt, there's no room left with which to move forward. Whoever or whatever offended you wins in the end. They occupy your mind and consequently your life. Unless you genuinely forgive or forget the things that bring suffering, you carry the burden the rest of your life. Joseph is a prime example of a refusal to allow injustice and evil to hold him back (Genesis 37-50). Even though his brothers mistreated him in the worst ways, he forgave them and even pitied them for being unable to forgive themselves and go on living. They lived in constant fear because of what they had done to Joseph. On the other hand, Joseph came out as the victor because he forgave and went on about his life and reaped what he truly deserved -- a happy life with wife and children, among other rewards.

You can also feel remorse for what you failed to attain. Many people become saddened when they wonder why they did not attend a certain college, pursue a particular career, marry or have children. They live with regret rather than experiencing the joy and happiness that is still possible. They won't allow bygones to be bygones. It's a personal prison when one keeps mulling around what he should have done and keeps asking "Why?" None of those matters now, except to pick up and make something of what time is left, genuinely letting your bygones be bygones.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.