LEND ME YOUR EAR: `WONKERING' DOES ENGLISH LANGUAGE `NO HELP'

The state of our nation's economy continues to affect every segment of society. One courageous soul, asked for his opinion of President Clinton's State of the Union address, posited a warning for TV audiences: "If we don't take action now, we will collapse the country."

A smashing comment, to be sure, but "collapse" is an intransitive verb, and the misuse is fast entering our language as a new buzz word. A musician, assigned to report on the success of a music festival, lamented that the programmer "collapsed the band," meaning the band had been eliminated from the performance. A photographer, required by his company to photograph damage caused by the flood of 1995, explained regretfully that the turbulence of the waters in his vicinity had "collapsed" homes and schools as well as the entire business district.

Misuses of "obsess" are also on the rise, so to speak. A critic of current magazine commercials deplores The New Yorker's "obsessing" their product as the best in the world. The heroine of Suzanna Moore's new novel "In the Cut" describes herself as one who "obsesses" everyone in subways: They "obsess" their complaints so screamingly they "outobsess" the noise made by the train tracks.

The slang term "wonk" is salivating the tongue of almost every airborne speaker, and tickling the thoughts of most of our columnists as well. A "wonk" is someone whose gift for blundering exceeds the human norm. Gloria Borger of U.S. News and World Report, in a recent article headed "Looking for Mr. UnDole," wrote: "Outwonking his opposition is not Senator Dole's idea of a good time." Borger was referring to Dole's habit of looking for only the worst in all his opponents. Other candidates cite instances of good even in Dole.

In verbalizing "wonk," the writer joins the ranks of countless mortals who enjoy marching backward along the highway of creative expression, though her coinage conveys more savvy than most. In a write-up about stress and how to cope with the problem, a guidance counselor informed elderlies that sewing is "stress-relieving." What was wrong with saying sewing relieves stress?

A restaurateur goes beyond reason in boasting that his employees "food-prepare" menus that will appeal to children as well as adults. My appetite fails me every time I'm tuned in on this wonkish sales pitch at meal time. (Unwisely, I combine newscasts with meals to capture slip-ups for these columns.)

Stand-up comedienne Tracy Ullman was recently described by a talk show friend as "one who word-associates her way into tonight's topic." We gathered the friend meant Ullman uses words that will keep her audiences laughing. I apologize for scorning to laugh.

Then there was the photographer who was assigned to judge an exhibition of photographs, and complained there was something about the "ruinocity" of those photographs that he could not tolerate. Obviously, a left-handed way of claiming his own photographs would have added distinction to the group.

"Virtuostic," a CNN reporter's way of assessing President Clinton's State of the Union address, struck me as worthy of dictionary status. No wonk is capable of verbalizing so perceptively. One of the president's golf partners, however, on discovering his "buddy" had placed golf above duty in failing to attend the funeral of another world-class president, exceeded the bounds of wonkerdom in shouting, "This does him no help!"

Our president's golf wonk did the English language no good, either. Teachers of America, unite! Teach your charges basic English beginning with "help" and "good": the words are not synonymous. And pray that this lesson will find its way to all the ground supporting the golf wonks on Capitol Hill.

~Aileen Lorberg is a language columnist for the Southeast Missourian.