LEND ME YOUR EAR: WHAT LANGUAGE SHIPS ARE YOU CURRENTLY CRUISING ON?

This column was inspired or perpetrated partly by the increasing popularity of going on cruises. Not only as an inexpensive way to spend a vacation, but also for educational, business, or recreational purposes.

Actually, I was searching for a new buzz word and still researching the multiple meanings of words in general, and the word "cruise" kept appearing over the air and in newspapers and magazines of every stripe. Also, I was (and still am) protesting the addition of "ship" wherever feasible by people who are reputed to be literate.

Educators, guidance counselors, and parents have fallen in love with "childship," "childrenship," "teenship," "parentship," and as a matter of course, "schoolship." Lawyers, being only human, consider future "judgeships," and librarians live by "readerships." Politicians and business people are hung up on "kingship" because of economic conditions the world over, because our country reigns supreme as the Benevolent Land of Kingship all over the face of the earth.

Politicians, it stands to reason, have their eyes centered on upcoming elections, and the parts they can play in promising to fund the American economy as well as that of our friendly and unfriendly nations everywhere. Business people are concerned with their successes and failures "businesswise" -- "wise" being as offensive to our ear, and as prevalent, as the addition of "ships" to the vocabulary of everyone who can read or write.

Most people old enough to vote are familiar with "schoolwise," but I'm among the many who don't exactly relish the term. "Productivewise" gives me the shivers despite the fact that it turns up over the airwaves as a twin to "businesswise." "Earthwise" mushroomed when ecology and ectocrinology began to take over radio and TV.

But this is alleged to be a language column, and our chief concern is with cruise ships designed for learning and teaching language. James Kilpatrick, who was born and bred on cruise ships and has spent much of his life sailing the waters, is perhaps the most knowledgeable expert on the subject, and is as uncertain as his fellow colleagues as to what will be of value to future generations.

Someone speaking on a TV panel recently criticized current efforts to change existing conditions in our schools, thundering that he was "adverse" to any change. He doubted whether such a humongous project would be "benefitful" in the long run. "Benefitful"? The distressed gentleman's coinage makes sense, but it grates on the sensitive ear. Sound is another aspect of achieving polish -- but only one.

The word wanted was "beneficial," of course, and the speaker surely knew and in reality may have thought that he had used it. Ever tried to speak extempore, with the world's most literate couch potatoes gracing your audience?

The very thought renders world celebrities speechless. Examples are legion, ranging from student teachers to world-class actors, from first-time lawyers to judges of the Supreme Court.

And this study of cruise ships could continue from here to Eternity without solving a single problem young people need to learn in order to become useful, responsible citizens of the world.

Patient readers, what cruise ships are you currently cruising on? I think I'd rather take a cruise ship to the Never-Never Land of Language than tangle with any more "ships" and "wises" off-shore.

Aileen Lorberg is a language columnist cruising for the Southeast Missourian.