LEND ME YOUR EAR: REGARDLESS OF HOW HARD WE TRY, WE CAN'T ALWAYS WIN 'EM ALL

All over the country, people are getting killed in ways we have never heard of. A radio announcer tells us a woman has died of "affixation." To what or to whom was this woman affixed?

Newswriters explained that the woman died of "asphyxiation," a term familiar to most survivors of noises caused by rock, country, and airborne screamers paid to flog their companies' wares.

A mental health association has informed us that its purpose is purely "therapetic." No, the speaker was not making a play on words; this organization does not sell animals as pets. The word wanted was "therapeutic," surely familiar to everyone able to read these outpourings. Still, our informant may have been misled by incorrect spelling as well as partial deafness.

Boners of this sort could also explain why a freshman reporter said a family was "illated" over the sentencing of a murderer who killed their son and brother. Obviously, the family was "elated" by the outcome.

On a recent talk show, a guest who writes books about the sorry state of women in society boasted that she considered herself "a reasonably intelligible person." To be "intelligible" means to be understood by others. The guest was trying to say she thought she was reasonably "intelligent." The number of book authors unable to express themselves intelligibly, however, seems to increase by the hour, which is why ghost writers are forever stalking the prey.

The misuse of "precede" for "proceed" may be contagious. Some days ago we read of a committee that "preceded" to vote on an amendment. A writer for the same publication proceeded to state that President Clinton would "precede" with his plans to go to Russia. To precede means to go before; to proceed means to follow through. Both writers wanted to assure readers that plans would go forward. No instances of the use of "proceed" for "precede" have come my way regardless of the universal cry for "proceeds." The term "proceeds," as alert readers know, is also used as a noun to denote income or earnings, especially from investments.

An anonymous writer plugging for a smoke-free environment is urging restaurants to issue coupons that promote this message. This well-intentioned individual calls his idea "prudicial." "Prejudicial" is the nearest we can come to translating this unfamiliar abbreviation.

But let us be charitable to others. I've made no secret of the fact that I also goof. I'm just a teacher here, not a walking dictionary. Recently, I was completely stumped by "irredentist," which I found in Parade magazine. I assumed it was a coinage, though I did wonder why a dentist should be concerned about what the world would be like by the year 2025.

"Irredentist," I discovered the usual way, has to do with advocates for the return of territorial lands that foreign governments have seized and placed under their own rule. He who laughs first may be a dentist. Usurpers are not given to laughter, so the irredentists may have the last laugh. At least we hope.

According to reports, China has launched a new satellite into "geostationery orbit," placing it between two satellites that threaten all three. My prediction that "geostationery" would surely proceed to dictionary status was belated. The term had preceded my search -- doubtlessly by more than a "picosecond," an extension of "nanosecond," the speed at which computers are said to operate.

As computer-trained persons know, a nanosecond is one millionth of a second. A "picosecond," coined by Admiral Grace Murray Hopper, purported to be the first to put computers on the map, is one trillionth of a second. We learned this from the September issue of Reader's Digest.

We also learned why the world refers to the admiral as Amazing Grace. To judge by her reputation worldwide, she could probably teach me how to operate a computer in record time. This would render Grace Murray Hopper more amazing still!

Aileen Lorberg is an author of long standing, and has been a columnist for the Southeast Missourian since 1978.