LEND ME YOUR EAR: NO KNIGHT, NO QUEEN KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE

Requests and stupid promises for another column on spelling have had me simmering in a stew of guilt long enough. But before we begin, let me remind readers that no rule book will ever teach anyone how to master English spelling. A teacher can do little more than offer advice. It is up to the student to learn.

Elementary rules and methods ever since English was established as a language have failed miserably. Even the age-old "i" before "e" except after "c" has proven inadequate -- for spelling words such as "weird", and only God and lexicographers can say how many more. Orthography sections in dictionaries include so many rules and exceptions, it is far simpler just to memorize the spellings. Trouble is, memorization has been on the backburner as a teaching aid for years. Hands-on learning is the order of the day.

Unfortunately, we don't think with our hands. Although the hand is essential, it is the brain that directs the action. And memory lies (too dormant) in the brain. Tune in on our next national spelling bee, and discover how often contestants ask for derivations. These young think-tanks have learned the value of combining memory with sound. They remember that if the "f" sound in the word is of Greek origin, the sound will be spelled "ph."

Pronunciation, it follows, goes hand in hand with spelling. Competent teachers still sound out letters for beginning school children, consonants as well as vowels. But with so many inconsistencies in root words, with words sounding the same and sometimes spelled the same but having different meanings, confusion reigns even among those of us born and bred in the good old USA. English is Germanic in origin, but it quickly turned polyglot because of immigration. With the rapid infusion of foreign words and phrases through the years, with new words cropping up daily, how can we learn to spell? With more and more technology?

If computers and word-processors are the answer, how explain all the mistakes in spelling wherever these new crutches prevail -- in books, highbrow magazines, newspapers, signboards, street names, proper names, commercials, even on college campus TV screens. Carelessness, as we know, is too often responsible. As our longtime readers learned through an earlier column, poor handwriting and careless spelling of a single word have in some instances changed the course of American history.

Was it carelessness, or technology, that caused MASTERPIECE THEATRE to change to MATERPIECE THEATE one recent Sunday on PBS? I caught this only once, but once was enough to raise my dander over the inadequacies of "higher" education. We get PBS over a university channel. And this is a mere sample. Someone should inform all screenwriters there are two "n's" in "government."

At this point, let me suggest that good dictionaries, if not word processors, should be in every home in the country. Poor spelling, if consistent, shows lack of respect for our mother tongue, and by extension, for our very selves, though regional differences and dialect also add to our woes. America's new Teacher of the Year tells TV audiences everywhere how much it means to her to be able to "he'p" her fourth-graders learn. We heard her pronounce it "he'p" at least a dozen times, so it wasn't a slip. It was native Texan.

How does this new Teacher of the Year explain the spelling of her pronunciation to her charges? How did she get to be Teacher of the Year? She gave of herself, of course, and this is a basic requirement for success in any walk of life. And perhaps she has a hearing problem and is sensitive about it. If this applies, let us offer a sincere apology and an extra plaudit for the love she has instilled in children and parents alike.

Moreover, some words pose problems aplenty for all of us. Those little rascals known as homonyms or homophones, for example, and single words having opposite meanings. We call these "contranyms" though dictionaries continue to ignore the term. Best example we can offer is the verb "cleave." To cleave may mean to cling together, or to sever, to chop in two.

Of words that sound the same but are spelled differently, take a look at "naval", and "navel" -- your own, of course. Consider "buff" and its many applications. Better limit your imagination on this one as well.

Currently, all Britain is rife with confusions over "knight" and "night." Not the spellings, only the variety of connotations. Did Queen Elizabeth II "knight" her former male companion, or did she "night" him?

To conclude on a far more worthy thought, we quote from our church devotional, Portals of Prayer. A sign in a Texas antique shop reads:

NO GOD -- NO PEACE

KNOW GOD -- KNOW PEACE.

An excellent distinction between "no" and "know" -- and better advice than we will ever receive from any sourcebook on spelling. Gentle readers, think on this every hour as you prepare for the season we call Christmas.